


Every Story Has to Start Somewhere

by tricia_16



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bottom Castiel, Cas makes the first move, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dean "Isn't Gay", Explicit Language, First Time, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, M/M, Oral Sex, Rutting, Sarcastic Sam, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2018-10-22 19:44:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10703823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tricia_16/pseuds/tricia_16
Summary: Castiel finally tries to kiss Dean, and refuses to give up on him even after Dean pushes him away. Wanting to finally figure out what's been building between him and Cas for all these years, Dean agrees to let go of his fear just long enough to entertain the idea of him and Cas being more than friends. He didn't count on the fact that Cas knows him well enough to erase his hesitation a little bit more with each passing day... and he quickly realizes he doesn't really have to change all that much to have everything he never knew he wanted.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place somewhere in season 12, probably before the "I love you" moment in Stuck in the Middle With You. 
> 
> The amazing art I've included below is by the very talented Any Rei. You can check her out on Tumblr [here!](http://anyrei.tumblr.com/)
> 
>   
>    
> 

It’s been hours and Dean still can’t breathe properly. There’s this weight on his chest, and he feels like he can’t get enough air in around it. He takes another deep breath, telling himself for the millionth time to calm down, but _he can’t_. His chest is heaving, his body is covered in a thin sheet of sweat, and his heart is still pounding. He’s itching to reach for a drink - to numb these feelings with a few quick pulls from the bottle the way he always does. But for once in his life he doesn’t know what will happen if he drinks, because he does know that lowering his guard right now would be a really dumb choice to make. 

He gets up off of his bed to pace his small bedroom again. It’s easier to move; makes him feel like he’s doing something instead of hiding in here like he really is. He thinks about what Cas is doing right now, how he’s handling this, and immediately pushes the thought away. Again. It doesn’t help to think about him. If anything, it makes it worse. If Dean’s freaking out like this, what’s Cas doing? He can’t think about it because it makes him want to go to him, to comfort him, to fix it the way they always do, but he just can’t right now. He doesn’t know how to comfort him without maybe making it worse. Or maybe making it better. And he doesn’t know which he wants more. 

He rolls his shoulders, trying to shake off the intruding memory of Cas’s hand on his face. Of those too-bright blue eyes looking at him in that way. At how he froze instead of moving out of the way. How he didn’t say something to stop him when Cas leaned in, coming closer so incredibly slowly but somehow still not slow enough for Dean to decide what he was supposed to do. It’s been _hours_ , and he can still feel his face burning where Cas’s hand cupped his jaw. How warmth flooded under his skin when Cas slid his thumb across Dean’s cheek so gently. 

“Fuck,” Dean curses. He shakes his head and tries to think about something else. Anything else. But he’s been in his bedroom for hours now. He can’t stop thinking about it, and maybe he’s a pussy, but there is no way in hell he’s going back into the kitchen or the map room or _especially_ the library because he doesn’t know where Cas is and he can’t run into him right now. Part of him is pissed that the angel doesn’t have his wings, because it’d be kinda nice if he just flew away for a little while. Like he always does when shit gets hard. Maybe then Dean could actually step outside of this room and try to do something to get his mind off of this. 

Another hour passes. Four hours. He’s been in his room alone for four hours now. He’s thought about the first soft press of their lips together a million times. He thinks about how his body reacted before his brain could. How his hand came up without his permission to sink into that wild hair on the back of Cas’s head. How Cas’s mouth opened in surprise, and how Dean – 

Nope. _Fuck_. He can’t think about this anymore or he’s going to lose it. He needs to get the hell out of here. He runs his hand over his face, steeling himself, trying to put a blank look on his face so he doesn’t freak out Sam. He shoves his phone into his pocket and takes a step towards the door when there’s a knock. And he doesn’t need to hear the gravelly voice call his name because he already knows who it’s going to be. He’s surprised he waited this long. He freezes. Again. Why does Cas keep doing that to him? He must wait too long to answer, because before he can decide how he wants to respond, Cas opens the door and comes in. 

And he looks at him with _those eyes_ again. There’s something new there that Dean hasn’t seen before, and it doesn’t help the frantic beating of his heart one bit. He turns his back on him, not willing or able to look at him like this. 

“Dean, please,” Cas croaks. Dean closes his eyes, trying to block out the sound. He doesn’t know if he feels better or worse knowing that Cas is as torn up as he is. “I made a mistake,” Cas begins and Dean’s entire heart drops to his stomach. He feels his body tense up, going on the defensive now. _A mistake_ , he echoes in his head. He’s been hiding in his room for four fucking hours agonizing over whatever the hell this is and now Cas is going to call it _a mistake_? He should've seen this one coming. Of course it was a mistake.  

“I get it,” Dean says, and he’s disgusted and embarrassed to hear his voice crack. He clears his throat, not caring how stupid it sounds as long as he can speak properly afterwards. “Didn’t mean anything, right? You were confused or somethin'. No, uh,” he clears his throat again, trying to squeeze the words out, “no hard feelings or whatever.” 

Dean still isn’t facing Cas, and he still can’t make himself turn to look at him. What if he sees that thing all over his face again? Cas is quiet for so long that he wonders if maybe he left and he didn’t hear it. He isn’t sure enough to look, though.

Finally, Cas says, “That’s not what I meant. You – it – what happened,” Cas stutters, clearly flustered, “will always mean something to me. I meant that I made a mistake in allowing myself to believe you would ever be interested in me that way. I shouldn’t have kiss –”

Dean finally turns to look at him, hoping that Cas will stop talking, stop saying _these things_ because he doesn’t know how he feels about them. He knows how he wants to feel about them but he can’t entirely convince himself that’s how he really feels anymore.

Cas looks wrecked, he notices suddenly. He looks terrible. He looks as awful as Dean feels, and Dean moves towards him automatically because he has to do something. He can’t keep looking at his best friend looking like this. 

Cas doesn’t stop talking. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was stupid. I was stupid. I’m not sure why I thought you would ever...” Cas's voice trails off, and Dean’s heart breaks when he sees the tears filling his eyes. He keeps moving towards him and before he can think about what he's doing, he just wraps his arms around him, and hugs him tight. He feels a shaky breath come out of Cas, and God, please don’t let him actually start crying because Dean cannot deal with tears right now. He makes a soft shushing sound, trying to get Cas to calm the hell down. 

"I don't know what to do," Cas says, burying his face into the curve Dean's neck. Dean gives his back a few soft pats, feeling like an idiot but doing what he can to soothe him anyway.  

"C'mon Cas. We've been through shit before, right? We always work it out eventually. It's gonna be okay, man," Dean tells him, knowing how empty his promise sounds. Thankfully, Cas is desperate enough to believe him.  

"I'm so sorry, Dean," he whispers. If they weren't pressed so closely together Dean wouldn't have heard him.  

"S'not your fault," Dean tells him.  

Cas pulls away enough to look him in the face, and Dean feels his heart twist in his chest. "I shouldn't have..." Cas says. And maybe looking at Dean is as hard as it is for Dean to look at Cas, because Cas doesn't finish his sentence. Anguish is all over his face, and for a second Dean doesn't care about his pride. He only cares about making that look go away.  

"I didn't exactly stop you," Dean says quietly, simultaneously feeling and hating the blush that creeps up his neck and across his face.  

Cas's eyes widen slightly, but Dean can't understand why. He was _there_. He knows what happened. He knows what Dean did. Cas stares into Dean's eyes, the same intense stare they always share between them. It's too much and not enough all at once. It's comforting, though. This is what they do, what they've always done. Dean feels something brush his fingers and looks down to see his fingers laced with Cas's. His first instinct is to let go and jump back, but dammit, he doesn't want to make Cas's face fall any more. So he does the opposite, and squeezes his hand in a gesture of comfort.  

It seems to give Cas courage. "I must have done something wrong. Perhaps I didn't make my intent clear," Cas says, very obviously choosing his words carefully.

Dean knows him well enough to know what this is. This is Cas checking to make sure he understands what Dean isn't willing to say. Cas knows Dean better than maybe anybody outside of Sam. Even knowing Cas is trying to put all the blame on himself so Dean doesn't have to talk about his own feelings, he refuses the bait and says what he can say without having to say what he can't.

"You didn't do anything wrong," Dean tells him, choosing to look at the tie around Cas's neck instead of at his face. After all this time, Cas still ties it so that it's backwards half the time. The thought grounds him. "I... knew what you were gonna do."  

Cas takes a step towards him and Dean – again, dammit – freezes. His face must show some of his fear because Cas says. “I just want to be closer to you.” He waits a minute for Dean’s body to relax, and once it does, he says, “Please, Dean. Is that acceptable?” 

Dean’s heart is thumping almost painfully inside of him now. He felt better when he was hugging Cas a minute ago. And there isn’t anything weird about just holding on to his best friend. He would hold on to Sam if he was as upset as Cas was, and it wouldn’t be weird. This doesn’t need to be weird, either. How many times has he shared a bed with Cas? Hugged him? Let his touch linger just a little bit longer than he would with anybody else? That's what they do. Dean isn’t exactly a cuddly kinda guy, but he can do this with Cas.  _This_ , he can give him. He pulls Cas by the hand towards his bed, and then he lays down on his side, facing him. Cas sits on the side of the bed stiffly, and Dean swallows again (why is his throat so dry?) and pats the space beside him invitingly. 

He shouldn’t be affected by the small smile Cas gives him. He shouldn’t feel nerves turning inside of his stomach like a tornado. He shouldn’t feel the bubble of hope inside of him when Cas lays beside him, and tentatively rests his arm over Dean’s waist. He shouldn’t be breathing heavily or fighting the tears behind his eyes. And he knows this shouldn’t feel as good as it does. He lets the happy feeling give him the boldness to cover Cas’s other hand with his, and the small, juvenile act turns the nerves inside his stomach to butterflies. 

Cas’s eyes bore into his, and he stares back. _Shit_. Dean's freaking out. He’s faced some of the scariest monsters that exist, walked into dangerous situations knowing he would never walk out, took on the devil himself, and still, laying here with Cas is the scariest thing he’s ever done. He tries not to think about what this means. He tries not to think about what he wants it to mean. He tries not to think about what this means to Cas, but it’s damn-near impossible when it’s written all over Cas’s face. 

“Cas,” he says. He has to let him down gently. He can’t do this. He can’t be like this with him. He can’t be this way with anybody. He’s just not made for it. He knows he’s going to fuck it all up like he always does and Cas won’t want anything to do with him anymore, and he can’t lose Cas again after already losing him so many times. He knows he won’t survive it again. But no other words are coming out. “Cas, listen…” he tries again, and Cas stiffens and closes his eyes like he doesn’t want to hear what Dean’s about to say, and it hits Dean like a punch to his stomach. 

Cas takes a steadying breath and nods. “I understand,” Cas says in a whisper, keeping his eyes closed, but not moving away. Dean feels Cas’s fingers hold tight to his t-shirt on his back, like he doesn’t want to let go even after hearing what Dean’s trying to tell him. And God, it hurts so bad. It hurts to hurt Cas. 

“It’s not you,” Dean says desperately. His hand moves on its own to cup Cas’s face the same way Cas cupped his before he kissed him. Cas’s breath hitches and he opens his eyes. Seeing them that close up again makes that kiss flash in his mind again. He remembers how Cas’s mouth opened for him and how Dean dove in with his tongue. He remembers thinking _finally_ when he tasted him for the first time. He remembers chasing the taste, wanting more, wanting to drown in it and never come back up. He remembers the soft moan that came from Cas’s mouth and the moment he noticed the front of his pants were tighter. He remembers how it freaked him out so terribly that he pushed Cas away, rougher than he should have. How he yelled at him, "I'm not gay, dude. What the hell are you doing?" How he left Cas standing there very obviously turned on, but looking like he was shot. How he ignored the way Cas still called after him, and how he ran into his bedroom and slammed the door.

“I don’t know how to do this. I’m gonna screw it up, and you’ll hate me. You’ll leave," Dean tries to explain. 

“I could never hate you,” Cas says softly. “There is nothing you could do to make me leave. I’m staying here. I belong _here_ , Dean.” 

Dean feels the words run over him like a balm. He wants to believe him so fucking bad. More than he’s ever wanted to believe anything. “I’m so fucking scared," Dean whispers. "I'll hurt you when I don’t even mean to. And I don't wanna do that to you. I already did once, and it really freaking sucks." His voice cracks and he feels that burning behind his eyes again. He can't remember having this overwhelming need to just cry since he was a little kid. He's so scared and sick about what he doesn't want to be feeling that he just really needs to cry. "I don't want to lose you. I - I need you, man." 

Cas is looking at his lips and Dean knows Cas wants to kiss him, because a part of him wants him to. He licks his lips but shakes his head slightly, telling Cas no without having to say it. Cas's eyes flick back up to his. "I don't have any friends," Cas says simply. "You and Sam are all I have. You have called me your brother and told me that I'm your family more than once. I understand the sentiment, because Sam feels like a brother to me, as well. But you don't. I thought, perhaps, that it was something else. And sometimes I believe that you might feel it too, but now... I'm so confused." He stops, and seems to be searching for the right words again. "I understand this is difficult for you to talk about, but I can't do this anymore. I need to know if you truly think of me like a brother or family, or a best friend, or... something else. Not knowing is killing me," he admits.  

Dean still has his hand on Cas's face, and he can't seem to move it. He doesn't seem to have any control over his body right now. He feels numb. He can see his hand on Cas's face trembling, and he wonders when he started shaking. He can't feel it. He’s practically paralyzed by fear. He answers the only honest way he can. "You're my best friend, Cas. You are. And you feel like family, but it's - it's not the same as how I feel about Sam. You're just... different." 

Cas seems to search Dean's face for more information. Dean doesn't know what he sees, but he gently takes Dean's hand off of his face and kisses his palm. Dean feels his hand jerk but he doesn't pull away. Cas kisses one finger after another and Dean watches him like he's never seen anything like this in his life.

"You're trembling," Cas whispers.  

"Yeah," Dean breathes shakily. No sense denying it when they can both see it.  

"Please don't be scared. I'm not going to hurt you," Cas promises. A long time later when Dean is starting to feel like he can relax again, Cas asks, "Am I good different or bad different, Dean?"  

Dean feels fear curl in his stomach again. "I'm not gay," he says again, as if that answers Cas's question. Dean knows he isn't gay. He needs Cas to know, too.  

"Technically, I'm not a man. I'm an angel, and angels are genderless." 

"You look like a man to me," Dean argues.  

"And you still kissed me back," Cas says.

Dean pulls his hand away and pushes backwards, away from Cas, and away from what he just said. To get some space. To stop letting Cas touch him.

"Please don't yell at me again," Cas begs him, and he looks scared. The fear Dean can see all over Cas's face calms his temper slightly, but he's still more confused than he's ever been.  

"I don't know how to do this!" Dean exclaims, continuing to push himself backwards until he's sitting with his back to the headboard. He runs his hands through his hair and braces his elbows on his knees, his head still in his hands. "I don't know how to like being here with you, like this, and not be gay. I don't know how to think about how I kissed you back and I - I liked it without feeling like I'm going to throw up right after. How's that for different, huh? That's how you make me feel.” 

Cas gives Dean a small smile. Dean just yelled at him, told him that he makes him feel sick to his stomach, and Cas is _smiling_ at him. Cas hardly ever smiles.

"You like being close to me, too," Cas says, with that familiar tilt of his head. "But you don't want to like it." 

"That pretty much sums it up, yeah," Dean says harshly.  

"I believe I can work with that. Can I have your word on something?" Cas asks.  

"That depends on what you're gonna ask me," Dean says with a smirk that comes to him without thinking, and they exhange a glance, both knowing it's the first time Dean’s sounded like himself since Cas came in his room.  

Cas's lips twitch at him again, and dammit if Dean doesn't feel a little bit better just seeing what usually passes as a smile for Cas. "Can I have your word that you will at least try?" Dean doesn't say anything. He doesn't really know what he's being asked. Cas seems to get it, and elaborates. "I'm unsure how to be with you as well, and I'm not asking you for that kind of commitment right now. I'm asking you not to push me away because you're reluctant to label yourself or what we are to one another. I just want a chance to be with you like we were moments ago, and to see if perhaps you will eventually stop feeling like you're going to throw up because of what you feel for me." 

Dean is quiet for a long time, but Cas doesn't push him. He just sits there and waits him out. Dean wonders how long he'd sit there and wait, but he thinks it'd probably be a lot longer than he wants to know.

He thinks, hard. He thinks about how many times he's tried not to think about what they are, and how many times he almost decided and then changed his mind. A really big part of him, the part that's scared shitless, wants to know just to _finally_ know.

"Okay," he finally says, looking at the bed between them instead of at Cas. "But you're not my boyfriend or something stupid like that. Just so we're clear." 

"I agree, but I do want one additional thing from you," Cas says, stony faced. Cas moves up the bed to sit beside Dean against the headboard. He sits closer than he usually would, and Dean feels the heat between them as the sides of their bodies press together. His heartbeat picks up again and his palms are sweating. Dean quirks an eyebrow at Cas, wondering what he's up to. Cas says, "I would appreciate it if you don't have sex with anybody else while we attempt to figure this out." Dean opens his mouth to protest, but he thinks Cas probably knew he was going to when Cas leans closer to him and places a finger against his lips to stop him. "Not forever. The minute either of us knows for sure what's going on here, you're free to -" Cas takes his hand away and makes air quotes with his fingers - "'pick up chicks' at the bar again." 

Dean can't help but roll his eyes at Cas using the damn air quotes again. If it wasn't for the enormity of what he was asking him, Dean would laugh. Instead, he thinks. He's kinda tired of the bar scene anyway, he tells himself. And they have a lot going on, so there probably wouldn't be a lot of time for that to begin with. And maybe it'll only take a day for him to figure out he's really, really not gay, and then he can go back to doing what he does best. "Okay, fine," Dean sighs. "But when I screw up whatever this is with you 'n' me, I get bonus points for what I'm giving up here." 

Cas gives him a rare smile, an actual smile with teeth and everything, and Dean feels his whole body heat up. Why does that have to make him so happy?  

"Are we okay?" Cas asks.  

Dean nods. An hour ago he didn't ever think they'd be okay, but he's surprised to realize he does actually feel a lot better. "I think we're okay," Dean says.  

"May I hug you?" Cas asks.  

Dean rolls his eyes at him again, but turns towards him with permission. Cas wraps his arms around his neck, and suqeezes him. Dean lets his arms naturally come around Cas's waist, and he accepts Cas's face pressing into his neck again. He jumps when he feels Cas press a chaste kiss on the curve of neck, and then Cas pulls away enough to look him in the eyes, before he leans in and presses his lips just beside the corner of his mouth. More on his cheek than anything. Cas lingers for a few seconds more than a regular kiss on the cheek would last, and then he smiles at him again before he gets off the bed and practically skips towards the door. 

"Goodnight, Dean," he says, shooting him a broad smile over his shoulder.  

The smile shakes Dean out of his stupor, and he sends Cas an amused smile back before he replies, "Night, Cas." 

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Dean wakes up after a terrible night's sleep and rolls over to a text from Sam.  
  
**SAM:** Got some stuff to take care of. Won't be back until late tomorrow. Be nice to Cas!

Sam's gone out alone for a whole day the day after whatever happened between him and Cas? Well, that's convenient timing. Dean takes a chance and texts back.  
  
**DEAN:** You're an asshole and Cas has a big fucking mouth.

He waits a minute and gets a reply.  
  
**SAM:** Don't be a jerk. I just want to see my big brother happy. You have a real chance here, so don't be stupid and mess it up.  
  
A minute later his phone dings again.  
  
**SAM:** And it should go without saying, but just in case you were worrying about it, I love you even if you like guys, too. And so does mom.

 **DEAN:** Bite me.

He sets his phone down and stares at the ceiling. So what happened exactly? Cas made Dean's entire brain go blank with a kiss on his goddamned cheek and then walked right to Sam's room to gossip about how they kissed in the library? He's gonna kick his scrawny angel ass.  

Without even bothering to grab his robe, he storms out of his room and into the room Cas has been spending time in while they sleep. He bangs through the door only to find Cas isn't there. He goes into the kitchen next, and finds Cas sitting at the table, with his eyes stuck on him like glue, following his every step.

"You think you're pretty smart, huh?" Dean says to him.  

Cas's eyebrows draw together. "Yes, I consider myself to be fairly intelligent. Why are you angry?" 

"You think you can just go tell Sammy that I - that we're - that something's going on between us? What part of you ever thought I'd be okay with that?" 

"I told Sam no such thing," Cas argues.  

"Yeah? Then why'd he text me this morning saying he'd be gone all day and oh yeah, by the way, I still love you even if you're into dudes. Pretty big coincidence, huh Cas?" 

"If you would stop jumping to conclusions and allow me to speak, I could tell you what actually happened and then you could stop being mad at me." 

Dean crosses his arms across his chest, and it's only then he realizes he doesn't have a shirt on. Cas's eyes are always so focused on him that he didn't even notice he was staring. Dean feels a lot of different things all at once knowing for sure that Cas is checking him out, and he doesn't know what to do other than turn away from him to get a cup of coffee. Dean hears Cas make a small sound but he attempts to cover it up by clearing his throat, which would be fine, except he's never heard Cas clear his throat. Ever.  

"What the hell was that?" Dean asks, turning back around to face him.  

"N-nothing," Cas stutters, and now he looks at the table in front of him. "Sam did approach me last night after I left your room. He told me he heard you shouting that you're not gay, and heard your door slam, and wanted to know what happened." 

"So you _did_ blab!" Dean says.  

"No, I didn't. I told him we were working it out and that he didn't have to worry about it. He asked me eleven more questions before he finally left me alone, but I never once confirmed that anything happened between us, may happen between us, or that either of us are interested in seeing if something might. Which was not easy, by the way. I always considered you to be the stubborn Winchester, but Sam is certainly not easily dodged." 

Dean drinks his coffee, feeling slightly embarrassed. "So he just figured it out on his own?" 

"He mentioned us 'eye fucking' and being 'super obvious' - his words, not mine - so I think it was easy for him to put together based on what he overheard." Dean doesn't say anything. "I'm sorry if what he said made you feel uncomfortable." 

Dean's body softens. "I shouldn't have yelled at you," Dean grumbles.  

"Apology accepted," Cas says brightly, getting up and walking towards him. Dean does what he now expects his body to do every time Cas comes near him, and freezes. Cas leans in to kiss him on the cheek again (is this a thing now?) and then before he backs away completely, he places a hand on Dean's shoulder and says quietly, "I'm very attracted to your body." Dean flinches as Cas runs his hand down his arm before he takes another step back. "I hope you don't mind me saying so. I find the muscles on your back particularly pleasing." 

And then Cas just keeps standing there, looking at him. What the hell is he supposed to say? Dean takes a drink of his coffee just to have something to do, and somehow even after swallowing a mouthful, his throat is still dry as dust. People tell him he's hot all the time, so why is Cas complimenting his body in his nerdy way doing things to him? Dean goes for honesty. "I don't really know what I'm s'posed to say here." 

"You don't have to say anything, I just wanted you to know that I find you extremely attractive physically, in case it wasn't already clear."  

No, it wasn't clear, actually. Dean's never heard Cas say anybody's attractive before. And he's tried to get it out of him, too!  

"I'm going to watch television if you'd like to join me once you're dressed," Cas says, and then he leaves Dean standing alone in the kitchen, totally and completely caught off guard by the way his day has started.  

He finishes his coffee, eats two bowls of cereal, has a shower, gets dressed, and after he feels like he's probably lingered long enough to not seem too anxious to go hang out with Cas, he goes to join him.  

He finds him sitting directly in the middle of the only comfortable couch they have, watching reruns of MTV's Catfish. There's worse things he could watch, he guesses. He goes to sit beside him, painfully aware of the few inches separating their bodies.  

"Hello, Dean," Cas says, but without looking at him.  

Dean snickers at the same formal greeting he's used to getting from him. This is normal. He can do normal. They're several episodes in (apparently, it's some kid of a marathon on TV) when Dean notices that Cas's knee is pressed against his. When did that happen? He decides to ignore it, and after a while, he's able to concentrate on the show again instead of the heat radiating up his leg. Eventually, he slides down in his seat a little bit to get more comfortable, but that makes his entire leg press up against Cas's. Cas looks over at him and smiles happily. Dean smiles back before he can think not to, and then turns back to the television screen quickly before he starts to feel too weird. After another few episodes, Dean gets up for a bathroom break and to grab a sandwich. When he comes back, Cas hasn't moved a muscle, and is still watching the same show, so Dean goes back and sits with him again. This time, when he sits next to Cas, he sits just a little bit closer so that they're touching the way they were before. It was comfortable. Cas places his hand on Dean's knee like it's the most normal thing in the world, and Dean fights against his heavy breathing and inner panic until he gets lost in the show and forgets to keep freaking out about it.  

It isn't until the next episode starts and it's one he's already seen that he allows his mind to wander. He wonders if he has given Cas enough credit in the past. Because Dean knows exactly what Cas's doing. They're sitting closer than friends would sit, touching each other in ways friends wouldn't, but there's nothing really sexual about it. Cas is easing Dean into whatever the hell this is one small step at a time. He knows Cas is watching his body language for signals, trying to figure out what's okay and what isn't. He's letting Dean know that he's interested in him, and showing him that it doesn't have to be weird between them just because of how they feel. It can still be normal. It actually does feel normal, and it's sorta nice, too. 

Dean starts feeling like maybe a nap would be a good idea, and he tucks his legs up beside him, leaning into Cas more. Cas lifts his arm to wrap it around Dean's shoulders, and Dean lets gravity push him into leaning against Cas's chest. He's glad Cas can't see his face right now, because he's pretty sure he's blushing again. He’s definitely breathing heavier than normal, and his heart is racing again. At this rate, he’ll die of a heart attack before they ever figure this out. He takes a deep breath trying to calm himself. He concentrates on the fact that although he’ll never say it out loud, this feels good. He's hardly ever been held like this with no expectations. Cas's thumb slides back and fourth over his shoulder in a smooth pattern, and soon Dean feels his eyes drift shut, lulled to sleep by the warmth of Cas's body.  

When Dean wakes up, he goes to stretch only to realize he's pressed so tightly to Cas he isn't sure exactly where all of his body parts are. He wiggles his fingers to find his arm is wound tightly across Cas's hips, and his face is nuzzled into the space between Cas's neck and shoulder. Cas must have leaned closer to him at some point because Dean’s lips are basically pressed against his skin, and he has no idea how he was managing to get enough air. All he can feel and all he can smell is Cas. When he finally opens his eyes, his eyelashes flutter against Cas's neck.  

"Dean Winchester. A cuddler. I did not expect that," Cas says lightly. From Dean's current position, he can feel Cas's deep voice vibrate against his lips and the sensation goes straight to his dick. Which is when he realizes he's already sporting a semi in his pants right now. Shit.  

He tries not to freak out, but pushes himself away from the warmth of Cas’s body immediately. "Heh," Dean tries to laugh weakly, but his voice is tight. "Guess you're pretty comfortable or somethin'. Not usually big on the cuddling thing." Dean runs his hand through the back of his hair in a nervous gesture. 

"I won't tell anybody," Cas says, and Dean's guessing he's reading his tensed-up body all wrong. “ I enjoyed being close to you.” 

There is absolutely nothing sexual in the way Cas says that, so why does Dean’s dick twitch with interest? Dean’s voice comes out rougher than he intended when he says, “You can’t just say shit like that.” 

Cas doesn’t seem like he minds. “I want you to know how I feel. Have you considered the possibility that the more I talk about it, the more you will be comfortable with it?” 

“No, I haven’t, because right now it just freaks me out.” 

“That’s alright. I understand. It’s hard for me to voice my feelings for the same reason, but I’ve grown tired of trying to keep them a secret.” Cas lets the words sink in a few seconds before he says, “If you want me to stop, I will.” 

“It’s not that.” Well, not entirely anyway. “I dunno what I’m s’posed to say when you say shit like that. People never talk to me like that, Cas.” 

“I want to. You don’t have to say anything back. You wouldn’t have moved so close to me if you didn’t enjoy it, so I already know how you feel.” 

A part of him wants to deny it and tell him that he’s wrong. Because how could Cas possibly know how he feels when Dean doesn’t even know? A small voice buried deep inside of him argues that isn’t necessarily true, but he pushes it back down like he always does. Like he’s done for years. He settles for not answering, and Cas seems okay with it. He doesn’t push him any further. 

The rest of the evening passes without incident. Dean notices every time Cas touches him, and he doesn’t know if it’s more often than he used to touch him, or if he’s just paying more attention to it now, but he catalogues every touch. Every time Cas’s hand falls on the small of Dean’s back when he walks behind him. Every time Cas gives his knee a little squeeze before he stands up. Every time Cas lets his hand trail across his shoulders when he walks past him. When Cas gently brushes his thumb over the corner of his mouth, wiping away a crumb and Dean’s heart races so fast he’s afraid it might actually burst out of his chest. And even though he’s noticing every touch, Cas is accomplishing exactly what he’s going for, because by the end of the night, Dean isn’t flinching anymore. He’s relaxed. And when he isn’t thinking about it, he finds himself leaning into the touches, soaking up the warmth blooming inside of him. When he isn’t over-thinking it, it feels really nice. Being with Cas feels damn good.

But when he does think about it, it scares the shit out of him. So he ignores it.  

After Cas doesn’t get a reference to a Rolling Stones song that everybody should get, they end up back in Dean’s bedroom, laying on his bed listening to music. It’s getting late, Dean’s tired, and they’re both comfortable in the silence between them. They started out laying side by side on their backs, with as much space between them as they could have on Dean’s single bed, but somehow as time went on and Dean’s guard went down slowly, replaced by a warm, tired, fuzzy feeling, Cas’s head somehow ended up on Dean’s shoulder, and their legs are tangled together. Cas’s hand rests on Dean’s chest, and Dean’s hand sits beside it, inching towards his hand until their fingers brush, and eventually Dean covers Cas’s hand with his own. They’re not holding hands exactly, just touching.  

“Can I stay?” Cas asks Dean, breaking the silence between them. 

“Stay?” Dean echoes, although he’s pretty sure he knows what Cas is asking him. 

“Can I stay here with you like this while you sleep?” Cas asks again.  

Dean knew it was coming to this. Some part of him wanted Cas to ask, because this has been really nice. He’s used to sharing a bed with Cas, although not at home, but it doesn’t seem like that big of a leap to take. He nods gently. “But no funny business.” 

“None,” Cas agrees easily. 

Dean untangles himself from Cas, grabs a pair of pajama pants, and says, “I’m gonna go uh, do bathroom stuff, and then I’m ready for bed.” 

It’s when he’s brushing his teeth that he starts thinking about everything again. What is he doing? Why is he letting Cas stay in his bed tonight? This isn’t like him. Dean Winchester doesn’t let anybody stay in his bed. Well, except for Cas, and Sam. But this isn’t the same as every other time he let Cas share a bed with him, and both of them know it. Dean hears, “I’m not gay,” in his head on a loop, and he still believes it. But there’s a _but_ now. Is it possible to not be gay, but still like Cas? Because as much as it scares him, he can’t even try to lie about how good today has felt. It’s been scary at times, and he’s had to talk himself out of a panic more than once, but overall, it’s felt so good to just stop hiding how his eyes automatically follow Cas around. He doesn’t have to worry about why his hand stays on Cas’s shoulder a little bit longer than what’s normal, because they’re trying to figure it out now instead of ignoring it. So, okay, this sharing a bed thing is miles out of his comfort zone, but it’s just Cas. There’s nobody else here to laugh at him, and he doesn’t have to try and explain it to anybody else right now either. He spits and rinses, washes his face, and before he can talk himself out of it, he takes off his shirt like he does every night, and walks back into his bedroom wearing only his pajama pants. 

He’s surprised to see Cas has removed his trench coat, his suit jacket, and his tie, and even his shoes and socks. For some reason the sight of his bare feet completely stops him in his tracks. When he finally tears his eyes away from Cas’s feet long enough to look at his face, he sees that thing all over Cas’s face again, and again, he has to take a few calming breaths and tell himself this is just Cas. He trusts Cas, and it’s going to be okay. 

His nerves are through the roof, but he drops his old clothes in his laundry basket, rolls his shoulders, and crawls into bed. “Light out, okay?” he asks Cas, and Cas nods, so Dean turns to shut off the lamp. 

“Could you leave the music on so I have something to listen to?” Cas asks him. Dean plugs in his phone to keep the battery charged, and turns the music down a bit, and then gets comfortable beside Cas. Their eyes meet, and Dean can feel something building between them. The air is heavy like it gets sometimes when they look at each other, and he can feel the heat coming from Cas’s body. Cas breaks the eye contact to let his eyes travel down Dean’s bare chest, and Dean fights the urge to squirm when he sees Cas lick his lips. _Fuck, this is hot_ , Dean thinks, and then tries to un-think it immediately. It feels like Cas looks at him forever, and Dean knows his face is red with embarrassment but hopes Cas can’t see it in the dark. 

When Cas finally drags his eyes away from Dean’s body, he moves closer. There’s a flash back of yesterday in the front of his mind, and just like yesterday, he knows Cas is going to kiss him. This time he knows how it’s going to feel, and as much as it scares him, he knows he kinda wants it, too. Cas moves so incredibly slowly, and Dean marvels at how much courage Cas has to ever try to kiss Dean again after what he did to him yesterday. He keeps telling himself he’s not going to freak out this time.  

He’s not going to freak out this time.  

He’s not going to freak out this time.  

When Cas is close enough that Dean’s eyes close automatically, Dean can feel his breath on his lips, and he licks his own lips in anticipation. But Cas stops. Dean waits. He waits long enough so that it’s starting to feel weird, and when he finally can’t take it anymore and opens his eyes, Cas’s eyes are still open and Dean can read the question in them. Maybe Cas isn’t as brave as he thought he was. Or maybe - and this is more likely - maybe Cas is waiting for Dean to make this decision on his own this time. 

Dean lets his eyes drift shut again, brings his hand up to rest on the back of Cas’s neck, and closes the distance between them. He presses his lips to Cas’s gently at first, and then pulls away enough to do it again, harder this time. He feels the stubble on Cas’s face rough against his mouth, and a thrill of excitement, of _different_ thrums through his body. Images flash through his mind quickly, half-formed. _His tongue sliding against Cas’s. His hands in his hair. Cas heavy-lidded and panting. His mouth on Cas’s neck. Kissing his way down his body. Cas’s head thrown back with pleasure, writhing beneath him._ Dean inhales a breath, presses his lips to Cas’s one last time, gentle and lingering, and then ends the kiss.  

They don’t say anything. They’re both breathing way harder than they should be from a kiss with no tongue and no petting, but they don’t talk about it. When Dean rolls over on to his back, Cas rolls towards him and lays his head on his shoulder like he did earlier. He’s on bare skin this time, though, and his face on his body doesn’t help the situation in Dean's pants right now. Dean curls his arm around him anyway, and strokes his back. When Cas wiggles even closer and slides his leg between Dean’s like before, Dean feels Cas’s erection hard against his hip.  

He knows Cas can feel his heart beat kick up again, and he makes an involuntary little sound of fear deep in his throat. He has to fight the urge to move away from him. He’s hard, and Cas is hard, and they’re laying in bed together, and he’s freaking out about it because _he isn’t gay_. He isn’t gay. Cas tries to rearrange himself so it isn’t quite as obvious, but Dean’s stiff arms keep him close. Cas breaks the silence again when he says, “I told you I was attracted to you.” Dean can’t see his face, but he can hear the humor in his voice, and all the new and confusing thoughts in his head and the hundred different ways he’s feeling all come out of him in a laugh. 

“God, Cas,” he breathes, amused in spite of himself. 

Cas presses a closed-mouth kiss to his neck and Dean can feel the smile in the curve of his lips. “I appreciate you not yelling at me this time. Goodnight, Dean.”

Dean gives him a little squeeze, and says, “Night, Cas.” 

He lays awake for a long time, needing to get used to the feeling of Cas being pressed against him before he can fall asleep. He feels braver in the dark. His hands trace the lines of Cas’s body, tentatively at first, but bolder as he realizes he isn't actually going to throw up. He strokes his back, and finds more muscle there than he thought he would. His hand traces the strong curve of his broad shoulders. He even strokes his fingers through the short, always-crazy mess of his hair. Cas’s breathing increases every now and then, and a few quiet sounds of pleasure escape through his lips, but he doesn’t move. He never says anything, and he never touches Dean. He just lets Dean work this out on his own, and he couldn’t possibly know how much Dean needed this. 

Every time Dean touches him, he compares how different Cas feels to a soft, curvy body pressed against him. But by the time his hand rests lazily in Cas’s hair, he’s in that happy place right on the edge of being completely asleep, and he decides he doesn’t mind this hard, muscular body against him at all. He inhales the indescribable but unmistakeable smell of Cas, and he slips into sleep gently, with his hands in Cas’s hair and a small smile on his face. 

 

* * *

 

The next few weeks pass in a weird blur. Cas continues to touch Dean every chance he gets. They sit closer, and they share more soft smiles between them. They hunt, and Cas sits in the back seat like always. Dean is surprised by how calmed he is by Cas’s presence when they hunt together now. He doesn’t feel as wild, as unsettled and violent when Cas’s hand rests on his lower back. Cas stays in Dean’s room every night, and every day, the only time they ever kiss is before bed. Dean still hasn’t used his tongue, though it’s getting harder to resist, and Cas seems happy to just wait for Dean to make that move.

Unbelievably, Sam doesn’t say anything about what’s going on. Either he hasn’t noticed anything different (and _that_ gives Dean a lot to think about), or he’s unwilling to bring it up. Either way, it’s better than Dean ever thought it could be. 

It’s almost a month after what happened in the library when Cas and Dean make a routine trip to the grocery store to stock up on food. They laugh and joke the whole time like always. Cas tries to stop Dean from adding things to the cart that aren’t on the list Sam gave them, but gives in every time Dean winks, pouts, or flashes his most charming smile at him. They leave the store with Cas pushing the cart, and Dean’s hand resting between his shoulder blades. They load the groceries into the trunk, and it’s an easy drive back to the bunker filled with more laughter and smiles. Dean even lets Cas hold his hand when he doesn’t need it to steer. 

They pull into the garage and are standing next to each other about to open the trunk when their eyes meet. Dean doesn’t know when he made the decision that this was okay, but before he knows what he’s doing, he closes the space between them and captures Cas’s lips with a kiss. Instantly, they both know this is nothing like their kisses before bed. This is harder and more desperate. Dean can’t hold back anymore, and he traces the line of Cas’s lips with his tongue, causing Cas’s mouth to open for him with a sigh. Dean changes the angle of the kiss to kiss him deeper, and pulls Cas closer to his body. He loses himself in this kiss, and forgets not to want it. He backs Cas up until he’s sitting on the trunk of the Impala, and Dean crowds in even closer, pushing his way between Cas’s knees and pressing his upper body against him. Cas’s hands come up under the back of Dean’s shirt and roam across the bare skin above his belt, pulling him even closer until they can both feel their erections pressing together. Dean lets out a groan because it’s been weeks since he’s had sex, he’s horny, and Cas feels _so good_.  

He finally has to pull away because he isn’t getting enough air, but instead of stopping, he trails his lips across Cas’s face, feeling and reveling in the stubble there, before he explores Cas’s neck. He pays special attention to any sound Cas makes, and exploits every weakness he finds. Dean feels Cas melt into him and it feels amazing. Guy or girl, Dean is good at this, and God, it feels fantastic to finally lose control for just a minute. He eventually reins it back in, knowing he’s minutes from coming in his pants just from kissing Cas, and not willing to go there quite yet. He rests his forehead against Cas’s with his eyes closed, both of them panting, trying to get their breathing back under control. He takes a step away, and when he sees Cas in his stupid trench coat, sprawled on the back of the sexiest car around, hair crazy, mouth hanging open, eyelids hooded with desire, and lips swollen from kissing him, he feels desire hook in his belly like nothing he’s ever felt before. 

“You look so fucking hot right now,” Dean says, his voice deep and rough, his hands bunched into tight fists at his side. The words were out of his mouth before could stop them, and now that they’re out, he feels a blush creep up his face. He doesn’t know how his body has enough blood to fill the raging hard-on he has at the moment and still make him blush, but there it is. 

Cas stands carefully, rearranging himself in his pants without ever taking his eyes off of Dean, then he fixes his coat and straightens out his tie without saying anything at all. He turns to open the trunk, and just when Dean feels a lick of fear and starts to think that he screwed up and he shouldn’t have done that, shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t have pressed himself against Cas like that, Cas says looks over at him and asks, “Do you feel like you’re going to throw up?” 

He huffs out a laugh and says, “You’re a dick.” 

Cas hears the no that Dean didn’t say, and his face lights up with a big smile, making Dean feel something in his chest loosen when he sees it. “You’re a very good kisser,” Cas finally says. 

“I’ve had a lot of practice,” Dean says with a cocky smile.  

“Believe me, I’m aware,” Cas says dryly. “Though if these are the benefits I’m reaping from all of _that_ , I suppose I can’t find it in me to complain.” 

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” Dean flirts with a wink. _Dean flirts_. Since when does he flirt with Cas? Probably around the time he started making out with him on top of cars in the goddamn garage. 

“Yet.” Cas repeats, and somehow that single word said like that outta Cas’s mouth comes out like a threat, and a promise, and a tease _and_ a flirtation all at once and it makes his throat a little dry. He wiggles his eyebrows at Cas, fills his hands with as many bags as he can grab from the trunk, and walks away from him before he loses the ability to form words again. 

That night when the lights go out and Cas leans in to kiss him goodnight, it isn’t soft and sweet anymore. Now that Dean knows he isn’t going to freak out from kissing him, he wants to really kiss him. So he does. Cas doesn’t resist, just lets Dean lead the way. Because they’re in Dean’s bed, with Dean half naked, it’s even more desperate than it was before. Every time Cas touches his bare skin Dean pushes into it, wanting more. When Cas shifts closer, Dean pushes him so that he’s laying back on the bed, and then positions himself so that he’s lying on top of him. There’s no use trying to pretend he isn’t as turned on as he is, so when he lays flush against Cas, first with their hips touching and then with their erections slotted together, Dean doesn’t pull away. Instead, he rolls his hips experimentally, and they both gasp at the sensation. Cas pushes back, and soon their bodies are moving together frantically, searching for friction and finding it against one another.  

Cas’s hands slowly run down Dean’s back until they rest on his ass. Dean feels fire coarse through his body and gasps against Cas’s mouth when Cas pulls him tighter against his rockhard dick. Dean can feel heat gathering in his stomach and knows he's close. He pulls his lips away from Cas's to say, "Cas, we gotta stop." Cas chases his lips and Dean allows himself to be pulled back in. Cas sucks on his bottom lip and then scrapes his teeth along it. Their hips never stop moving. Dean can feel his pants dampen with his arousal and knows he isn't going to last. "Cas," he tries again, not sure if he wants to do this. If he can do this.  

It seems to take a monumental effort on his part, but Cas drops his hands and fists them in the sheets beside him. He stops moving, and Dean backs up to look at him. He looks like he's in physical pain, and well, if he was as close to the edge as Dean was he can understand why.  

Cas is gasping for air. Dean watches him close his eyes for a minute while he seems to steady his breathing. He opens them again and says, "My apologies. We can stop." He raises his hand and strokes Dean's cheek gently. "It's okay," he smiles softly at him.  

There's  that something  in Cas's eyes again, and that, combined with the knowledge that this is his choice to make and that Cas cares enough to stop when it's obviously the last thing he wants to do, makes Dean's head clear. Dean leans in to kiss him gently. He kisses his way over to his ear and catches his lobe between his teeth with a scrape. He feels Cas shiver under him, and he whispers, "Changed my mind. I don't want to stop," against his ear.  

He rolls his hips against Cas again, harder this time, with purpose, wanting to pick up exactly where they left off.  

"This feels so good," Cas gasps, and Dean sinks his teeth into the meat of his shoulder. " _Ah_!" Cas calls out, his voice deep and gravelly the way Dean likes it most. He moves his lips down to Cas's throat, chasing the sound of his voice, and nibbles gently before he sucks a mark there. Cas makes another sound and he feels the vibration against his mouth.  

"Dean," Cas gasps. Dean can feel Cas's thrusts speeding up, getting more frantic, and he knows what Cas is trying to say. "Dean, I'm, I'm going to -" 

Dean silences him with his mouth. This time it's Dean who bites down on Cas's lip and pulls roughly, Cas leaning forward into him to catch his mouth. Their tongues slide against one another desperately, and Dean feels himself getting close again. He feels the blunt edges of Cas's fingernails dig into his skin and then Cas's jaw goes slack under his lips and he stops kissing him. Dean watches as Cas's eyes squeeze closed, how he throws his head back, how his back arches off of the bed under him. Dean thinks  _he's gorgeous_  and then Dean feels the warmth of Cas's orgasm through their clothes. "Dean," Cas groans, dragging his name out, his voice deeper and more desperate than Dean has ever heard it.  

Seconds later, Dean feels his own orgasm crash into him and he buries his face into the crook of Cas's neck. Cas turns his head towards him, sinks his hand into Dean's short hair, and presses his lips to every inch of skin he can reach.  

Finally, Dean's hips slow to a stop and he lets Cas take his weight as he collapses completely on to him. Cas strokes his hair lazily and as Dean's mind clears, he begins to feel panic set in.  

He just came from dry humping Cas. A guy. He had a dick pressed up against his dick and it was so hot it made him come in his pants for the first time in more than twenty years.  

"I'm not gay," Dean says and he feels Cas tense beneath him. Cas drops his hands from Dean’s body and turns his head away from him. Now Dean feels weird laying on top of him, so he rolls off of him, disgusted with the sticky mess in his pants and what just happened.

"Why does that matter so much?" Cas says, and Dean feels a pang of fear at how cold Cas's voice is.  

"Cas, it isn't you," Dean starts, turning to face him again. He places his hand on Cas's stomach tentatively, and when Cas doesn't push him away he relaxes slightly. He can't look at him when he says this stuff, so he just looks at his hand. "I don't know why I keep freaking out. I know it's fucked up, okay? I like being with you. Obviously my body's on board with... what just happened. But I don't want to be gay." 

There's a long and heavy silence before Cas says, "Do you want me to take another vessel?" Dean couldn't possibly not look at him after that. "I... like this one, and I'm comfortable in it, and when I think of what Jimmy gave up for me I hate that I'm considering this. But Dean. You make me happy, and I've never been happy before. If you want me to, I can take another vessel. I can take the body of a woman." 

"No," Dean says automatically. The thought of not seeing Cas in this body anymore physically hurts him. "I know it doesn't make any sense, but no. I can't believe I'm saying this shit out loud, but I like your body. I like your arms, and your back and your shoulders. I like your jaw, and your lips, and God, your eyes, Cas," he says. He shakes his head resolutely and repeats himself again. "No. I don't want you to change bodies." 

Cas nods, and for once Dean can't read the expression on his face. "I understand you're dealing with confusing emotions, but I have to tell you that I'm really having a hard time dealing with this right now as well," Cas says, and Dean feels his insides droop hearing the way Cas is trying to keep it together. He covers his face with his hands in such a human gesture that it jars Dean to see it. "The last time I was with somebody like this, she turned out to be a reaper and tortured and killed me afterwards. And you... rolling away from me after this still managed to hurt more than that somehow." 

Dean feels shame spread through his body. He forgot that Cas doesn't do stuff like this. He doesn't hook up just to get off. This means something to Cas, and even if he isn't ready to know what that something is, he isn't going to let him feel badly. Shit, he's so stupid sometimes. "I am such an asshole. Come 'ere," he says, laying back down and opening his arms for Cas. Cas lowers his hands and looks over at Dean.  

"Are you sure?" Cas asks.  

"I'm sure. I don't wanna hurt you. Let me help," Dean tells him, everything else forgotten for the time being. Cas rolls over and curls up on Dean's chest. Dean wraps his arms around him tightly and rubs his back. This feels normal. This is what they do now. It's calming. "It freaks me out that I want you," Dean says quietly, admitting what he knows Cas already knows. "That when I don't remember to be scared it feels better than anything, ever. Not just the sex stuff, but this stuff too," Dean says, hugging Cas closer so he knows what he means. "And that's new for me. Scares the shit outta me." 

"All of this is new for me," Cas says. "I've never felt these things before." 

"Me neither," Dean says quietly.  

"Do you feel sick?" Cas checks.  

"I did," Dean admits. "I know it's stupid, but I don't want to be gay. I like girls. I like them a lot." 

"I know," Cas says, and Dean thinks he might sound jealous.  

He needs to say what comes to his mind for Cas. Cas deserves to know. Even if it's embarrassing. "But I like you more," Dean says. "That's part of why this is so scary. All the sex I've had with all those women - and there were _a lot_ of women - all of it was nothing compared to what just happened between us. If I like women so much, why was it so much better with you? We didn't even take our clothes off." 

"We can take them off if it'll make you feel better," Cas offers, and Dean laughs softly. They're quiet for a little while before Cas asks, "Do you think it was better because I'm a man or because I'm me?" 

They both already know the answer. "It's you." 

Dean can't see it, but he'd bet Cas has a smile on his face right now. "Will you want to be with other men after me?" 

Dean's mind gets stuck on the   _after me_. After Cas? There's no after Cas. Cas said he isn't going to leave. Then Dean realizes that for the first time in his life, he hasn't been thinking in terms of when he breaks up with Cas. Maybe because he's never really considered them being together. They never said. They just said they'd try, and the trying is working. Are they together? God, does he have a boyfriend and he didn't even know? He isn't ready for a boyfriend. He doesn't do relationships. He sucks at them. He always screws them up.  

"What did I say?" Cas asks, somehow picking up on the fresh wave of panic coming from Dean.  

Dean concentrates on the original question, minus the _after me_   part. Will he want to be with another man? He hasn't ever wanted to be with one before, so he doesn't know why he'd ever want to be with another one. "No," Dean finally answers. "I won't be with another man. It's not men I'm into. It's... just you." 

"Hey Dean?" Cas asks, sounding strangely excited.  

"Yeah?" Dean laughs. Cas is so weird sometimes.  

"You're into me?" 

Dean rolls his eyes but Cas can't see him. "Do we really need to talk about this? I was just dry humping you ten freaking minutes ago." 

"No, you're right, that's okay. Sorry," Cas says, not nearly as excited as he was a minute ago.  

This shit would never work on him if it was just some random chick, but fuck it, he hates to hear Cas disappointed. It's Cas. He can say this stuff to Cas, and Cas isn't going to laugh at him, and he isn't going to use it against him later. He isn't going to start asking him about marriage and children. He sighs heavily but shrugs his shoulder so that Cas lifts his head to look at him. "I'm into you," Dean confirms, though he doesn't sound happy about it. Dean is rewarded with a rare and huge smile from Cas, and he pulls him in to kiss him. "You're such a dork," Dean says.  

"A dork you're into," Cas reminds him, and Dean realizes he was wrong about him not using it against him.  

"I can always change my mind, you know," Dean teases him.  

"We'll see about that," Cas jokes back.  

"I gotta clean up. This is starting to feel pretty gross.” He shoots Cas a look and says, “Don't judge me, but I have baby wipes in here for this exact reason." He opens the drawer beside his bed and pulls out a pack of wipes. "You uh, need to clean up too? I can lend you a pair of pajamas if you want. You can sleep like an actual person for once." 

"Yes, I'm sure that would be more comfortable than this. Thank you," Cas says.  

Dean goes to his dresser to throw Cas some pants, gets a new pair for himself, and then before he thinks about it too much and makes it weird, he cleans himself up by sticking his hands down his pants, and once he's as clean as he's gonna get, he drops his pants lightning quick and pulls on the other pair. He doesn't feel Cas's eyes on him, so he doesn't think he's being watched.  

He keeps his back to Cas to give him some privacy, and when he hears Cas's belt hit the ground and the shuffling of his feet on the ground, he figures he's probably got the pajamas on now. "You uh, all dressed there Cas?" He asks.  

"Yes," Cas answers.  

Dean turns around and laughs at Cas. He's standing there with his dress shirt on and pajama pants, and he looks ridiculous. He walks over to him to get a closer look and laughs again. "You can't wear a dress shirt with pajama pants. It looks stupid. Want me to get you a shirt?" 

"I could take my shirt off like you do," Cas offers.  

"You could do that, too," Dean says. He may have just came a little while ago, but the thought of laying back in bed with both of them half naked has his heart racing again.   He takes a step closer to Cas, pulled in by whatever _that thing_ is between them.  

"Would that be acceptable?" Cas asks, and Dean nods. He doesn't meet Cas's eyes, but he reaches his hands out slowly and his fingers work on the button closest to Cas's throat. He flicks his eyes up to make sure this is okay, and sees Cas's eyes burning into his. He swallows, but moves his hands down, undoing one button at a time until they're all undone. The slit of skin it exposes down Cas's chest and stomach is enough to make Dean's cock twitch and he fights away the feeling. He moves his hands to undo the little buttons on each of Cas's wrists, and then he takes one more step closer and pushes his shirt off of his shoulders.  

There's something intimate about this, but it doesn't freak him out like he thought it would. He takes the chance to take in Cas's body without his shirt on. He doesn't know why he ever thought Cas was skinny, because he's not. His belly is slightly soft and Dean can't help but smile when he sees the scattered freckles there, but his chest, his arms, and his shoulders are thick with muscles. Dean had no idea.  

"How big is your trench coat?" He asks stupidly.  

"I believe it's a size too big, as well as my shirt. I don't know why Jimmy chose those clothes," Cas replies.  

"I didn't know you looked like this," Dean says in awe, not caring that his voice is deeper than usual and that Cas knows what that means by now.  

"Like what?" Cas asks.  

"I always thought you were kinda scrawny. You're stronger than I thought you were." Dean's hands come up to run up and down Cas's arms.  

"I'm an angel, Dean. My strength over powers yours several times over," Cas reminds him.  

"Your body, I mean. Your... vessel is in better shape than I thought it was. All your muscles are hidden under those stupid clothes." Dean gains the courage to bring his hands to rest flat on Cas's chest. "Just an unexpected surprise," he says.  

"You like the way my body looks?" Cas confirms.  

"A lot," Dean says honestly. "More than I thought I would." 

Cas's lips curve into a small smile. "That pleases me more than  _I_   thought it would. I told myself it didn't matter, but I'm very pleased you're attracted to me." 

This is starting to feel weird. "Let's go to bed," Dean says.  

They crawl in like they always do, and curl up together like they always do. It's different to feel Cas's skin against his, but it's the best possible kind of different. He's half hard again, but he isn't interested in anything other than just holding Cas, and enjoying the access he has to his body without any expectations. He rubs Cas's back like he does every night, and he feels something warm spread through his chest. In the dark, where he knows Cas can't see him, he tells him again. "Yeah, Cas. I'm really, really into you," he says, and he follows his instincts and presses a soft kiss to the top of his head.  

"I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling that way," Cas responds. 

 

* * *

  

Things change between them after that day. They don't only keep their kisses for before bed in Dean's room where nobody can see them. A week later, Dean puts his arm around Cas when they're watching tv with Sam beside them. Sam looks at them for a minute, smiles, and looks back at the tv. Dean's entire body is sweating, but judging by the big smile on Cas's face, he doesn't mind all that much. That night, Cas and Dean get each other off again by rutting against each other, and this time Dean doesn't panic afterwards. He holds Cas, and kisses him everywhere he can, showing him how different he feels this time and that this is okay. This is good. Cas changes into Dean's pajama pants again before bed, and Dean likes how non-angely he looks like this.  

They do this for two more nights before Dean can gather the courage to slip his hand down Cas's pants. Cas comes faster than he ever has before, and Dean follows him almost immediately, not even giving Cas a chance to reciprocate. He does the next night, and Dean swears he's never come so hard before. For the first time after trying something new, Dean isn't afraid afterwards.  

One afternoon while Cas and Dean are doing dishes together, Sam is sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop, when Cas makes a joke, and actually laughs at himself. Dean thinks he looks so proud of himself, and freaking cute, too, and he’s filled with such a deep rush of affection for him, he leans across the sink to kiss him softly. Cas smiles way bigger than he should after such a small kiss and that's when Sam says, "I've only been waiting for that to happen for about eight years now."

Dean's eyes go wide when he realizes Sam was there and Sam saw him kiss Cas and now there's no pretending that Sam doesn't know because he just kissed Cas and obviously Sam knows.  

"You and me both," Cas jokes. Dean knows it was to break the ice, and Dean comes back to himself enough to bump into Cas with his shoulder to thank him. 

"First time I walk in on the two of you having sex I'm moving out," Sam says, still typing away like this conversation is no big deal.  

"We'll keep the door locked," Cas answers again.  

Sam finally looks up from his laptop and says, "How do you even sleep in that tiny bed together every night anyway?" 

Sam knows they've been sleeping together every night? "You knew?" Dean asks.  

Sam looks between Dean and Cas with an amused look on his face. "Was it supposed to be some kind of a secret? Because you're terrible at being subtle if that's what you were going for." 

"I'm just surprised you didn't corner me for some kinda chick flick moment," Dean says, going back to the dishes now that he knows the world isn't going to explode around him.  

"I had the chick flick moment with mom instead. We had lunch and talked about how perfect you two are for one another." 

"Screw you," Dean says, not knowing why he felt the need to go on the defensive, but there nonetheless.  

"Thank you, Sam," Cas says.  

"Don't _thank_ him!" Dean says to Cas, horrified.  

"He said both he and Mary think we're perfect for each other," Cas repeats, not knowing why he wouldn't thank him for that.

"He's making fun of me!" Dean tells him.  

"What! No I'm not!" Sam says, shocked. "We actually think that you guys make a really good couple." 

"We are not a couple!" Dean says, exasperated.  

"We're best friends," Cas agrees, clearly placating Dean.  

Sam looks at the two of them like they're insane. "Best friends who sleep together every night, cuddle on the couch, and make out while doing the dishes? Sure," Sam says sarcastically.  

That's the moment Dean realizes he's been in a relationship with Cas for months without even knowing.  

He drops the plate in his hand back into the water, and walks quickly into his bedroom, trailing soapy water behind him the whole way.  

He closes his door and leans against it.  

He's dating Cas.

He's dating a guy.

He hasn't dated anybody since Lisa.  

He goes to sit on his bed to work this out and by the time Cas comes in their room without knocking, Dean smiles at him sheepishly, feeling slightly better.  

"Are you okay?" Cas asks him, sitting beside him and wrapping his arm around him.  

"Did you know we were together?" Dean asks.  

"I was hoping, but quite honestly, I was afraid to ask you about it." 

Dean snorts. "Gee Cas, I wonder why." 

"You seem to be taking it surprisingly well." 

Dean’s quiet for a minute before he says, "I told you I don't know how to be with somebody," Dean reminds him.  

"And yet you've handled the last few months perfectly fine." 

"That's because I didn't know we were together!" Dean reminds him.  

"What difference does it make?" 

Dean doesn't have an answer. "It just does, okay?" He says lamely. "What am I supposed to call you now? My boyfriend? My life partner?" 

"I would happily accept either title, but because I'm sensing you're being sarcastic, Cas still works just fine." 

" _Hi, I'm Dean, and this is my Cas_. Yeah, that's just perfect," Dean says even more sarcastically.  

"You're infuriating to be around sometimes, do you know that?" Cas says evenly.  

"I know you are but what am I?"  Cas looks at him like he has three heads, and finally Dean laughs at himself. "I'm an asshole," Dean reminds him. 

"I know that already." 

"I'm selfish, and I'm greedy. I'm still going to check out hot chicks and piss you off all the time. I eat too much, talk with my mouth full, pass gas, belch the alphabet on command -" 

"You steal all the covers. You bring me food hoping that I won't eat it just so you can eat it off of my plate and pretend like you're doing me a favour. You take showers so scorchingly hot I don't know how you don't have third degree burns. You snore. And I wasn't going to mention it, but since you already did, you pass gas in your sleep almost every night.” Dean blushes furiously but Cas keeps going. “You almost always wake up with an erection and try to hide it every single time. You have a bowel movement -" 

"OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH," Dean interrupts him loudly with a shove. "You're kinda freakin' creepy, you know that?" 

"I was trying to prove my point. I know you, Dean. You don't have to try to convince me that you're not worth being with, because I already know differently. I know you better than anybody, except maybe Sam, and I still want to be with you. Only you and nobody else, and you're never going to change my mind." 

"Why?" 

Cas is silent for a long minute. "I think you know why, but I'm not going to tell you yet." 

Dean's heart is racing a mile a minute again, because _holy shit_. If Cas is saying what he thinks he's saying... holy shit.  

"You can be my boyfriend," Dean finally says, because giving that is so much easier than thinking about what Cas might be saying. "But don't go blabbing to everybody you see on the street." 

Cas leans in to kiss his cheek. "Can we go finish the dishes now? You know I hate -" 

"Leaving them in the water," Dean finishes for him as he stands and starts walking back to the kitchen. Cas looks at him funny and Dean says, "What? You think I don't know you just as well as you know me? I pay attention to you, too, thank you very much." 

Cas smiles. "You're a very attentive boyfriend, Dean." 

"You're an asshole," Dean says, and he pushes Cas into the wall as they walk down the hallway.  


	2. Chapter 2

A few weeks later, after a grueling fight with a couple of vamps, Dean comes out of the hotel shower after scrubbing a hell of a lot of blood off of himself, and Sam of all people says, “I need a drink.” 

Dean shrugs, “I’m in. You comin’ Cas?” 

“I’ll accompany you,” Cas says. “I can drive back if you want.” 

“We’ll see,” Dean says, still not eager to share his Baby with anybody. 

They drive to the bar they passed on their way to the hotel and pile into a booth. They order some food to go with their beer, and the first bottles go down quick and smooth. Dean’s just bitten into his burger when he goes to take another pull from the bottle and notices it’s empty. 

“I’ll go get you another one since I’m not eating,” Cas offers and Dean nods his thanks. “For you as well, Sam?” 

“Yes, please. Thanks,” Sam tells him. 

Dean and Sam eat in companionable silence, Dean concentrating on devouring his burger as quickly as possible. A few minutes later Sam snorts a laugh and says, “Dean, check it out,” and gestures towards the bar. 

Dean looks and sees a woman talking to Cas. He doesn’t understand why Sam’s pointing this out until he sees the chick place her hand on Cas’s arm and rub his bicep gently. She’s coming on to him. Dean feels a burning sensation start in his stomach and spread throughout his body. Cas is smiling at her. Not a real smile, but a  _I don’t know what to say to you_  kinda smile, and it pisses him off because Cas hardly ever smiles – fake or not - and why the hell does this chick get one? 

“You look like you’re about to punch something,” Sam comments, and then he must realize what’s going on because he tries and fails to hide his laugh before he says, “You’re jealous! You’re seriously jealous that a woman is talking to Cas?” 

Dean gives Sam a death glare and says, “She’s all over him. Seriously needs to learn some self-respect. Women shouldn’t just go throwing themselves at people without knowing if they’re available or not.” 

“Relax. She’s just touching his arm. She’s hardly all over him. And since when do you have a problem with women coming on to men in bars?” 

“Since they started coming on to  _my boyfriend_ ,” Dean growls angrily, eyes still glued to that hand on Cas’s arm, distracted enough not to realize what he just said out loud. 

Sam snorts again and now Dean kinda feels like he wants to punch  _him_. “Why don’t you just go over there and pee all over him so everybody in a ten-mile radius knows he’s taken?” Sam says sarcastically. 

“Not the worst idea you’ve ever had,” Dean says, and he’s sliding out of the booth and walking over to Cas before he’s thought it all the way through. 

He ignores the pleas from Sam from behind him, “Dean, I was joking! Dean, don’t be an idiot!  _Dean_!” and keeps walking. 

He goes to stand beside Cas at the bar and places his hand as low on his back as he dares in public. Usually, he doesn’t touch Cas if they’re not alone, and Cas jumps in surprise when he does. “What’s the hold up with the beer?” Dean asks, hooking his chin over Cas’s shoulder. 

“This lady, Monica, was just asking me about where we’re from and what we’re doing here,” Cas replies, and Dean wants to laugh at how Cas is completely oblivious to what’s happening here. 

“Monica, is it?” Dean asks, holding out his hand to shake hers. “I’m Cas’s boyfriend, Dean.” 

Cas’s head whips around dramatically to look Dean in the face. This is the first time he’s told anybody other than Cas that they’re together, and it’s pretty clear that Cas noticed. “Boyfriend, huh?” Monica says. 

“That’s right,” Dean says, with a tight smile. 

“Didn’t seem like Castiel here was interested in men when he was looking down my top a few minutes ago,” she says, and Dean feels pissed the fuck off really fucking fast. 

“Well he is,” Dean growls. 

“How about you let him talk for himself?”  

Cas looks at Dean almost like he’s asking for permission, and Dean just rubs his hand on Cas’s back, not willing to prompt him any further. If he doesn’t want to tell this chick that they’re together, well, that’s just great. Dean’ll go drown himself in a bottle in a minute and forget all about the most humiliating moment in his life. 

“Dean is my boyfriend,” Cas says. “I don’t wish to be rude, but if you got the impression that I was interested in you then I’m afraid you were mistaken. I was looking down your top because you dropped a peanut there and it somehow disappeared between your breasts." Dean tries not to laugh and fails miserably. "I thought we were just talking. I was merely being polite. I’m not, and never have been, interested in anybody other than Dean. I lo -” Cas stumbles for a second and then continues, “love being with him, and I don’t want to be with you or anybody else.” 

She gives Dean a dirty look and then says to Cas, suggestively, “Your loss,” and she swishes her hips as she turns to walk away.

“I sincerely doubt that,” Cas says loud enough for her to hear him. 

Dean doesn’t hesitate before he turns Cas and pulls him in just a little bit closer, so that Dean’s leg is between Cas’s as they lean against the bar together. It’s closer than friends would stand, but for the first time, he doesn’t really care. He lets his hands fall to Cas’s hips and Cas’s gaze is burning into him, setting his insides on fire. Dean clears his throat and says, “Turns out I’m a bit of a jealous boyfriend.” 

“You were jealous of Monica? Why?” Cas asks. 

“She was hitting on you,” Dean explains. “And you’re mine.” 

“I’ve always been yours,” Cas says softly, and something does a little flip inside of Dean’s chest. He wants to kiss Cas really bad right now, but he just can’t bring himself to do it when so many people could see. 

“If I wasn’t such a chicken shit I’d kiss you right now,” Dean says, just as softly. 

Cas gives him a smile, and it’s a real smile - better than what Monica got from him, Dean thinks smugly. “It’s enough to know that you want to.” 

Finally, the bartender slides two beer bottles their way, and Dean reluctantly takes a step away from Cas as he grabs them and then turns to carry them back to their table. 

“That was better than watching a soap opera,” Sam says as they sit down. 

Dean holds both beer bottles close to him and says, “Just for that, you can go get your own beer.” 

“Come on! I was joking!” Sam says. 

“Dean,” Cas warns him. 

Dean rolls his eyes and slides the beer to Sam. 

Sam takes a long pull from the bottle before he says, “Jealous and whipped. Good job, Cas.” 

“I hope you choke on it,” Dean says, but he moves his hand over to rest on Cas’s leg under the table, and he finds he doesn’t really care all that much if somebody sees that much. For the first time, Dean realizes there’s only one thing worse than people knowing that he’s with Cas, and that’s people _not_ knowing that he’s with Cas. 

For the rest of the night, much to Sam’s dismay, Dean can barely keep his hands off of Cas. Dean and Cas share a bed together with Sam in the same room for the first time, and Dean doesn't hesitate to pull Cas in close to sleep the same way they always do at home. When they get back to the bunker the next day, it’s still the same. Dean is always touching Cas and he isn't ashamed of it anymore. Something clicked inside of him last night, and he feels so light and actually happy for once, and all he wants to do is be close to Cas.  

Sam notices (of course Sam notices) and says, "Can you just go to your room already and get it out of your systems? You're grossing me out over here. Come back out tomorrow when you're done being all over each other."  

It's early, but Dean smiles at Cas. "Wanna turn in for the night?"  

"Very much," Cas says.  

Sam covers his ears and says, "La la la la la. I can't hear you."  

"We're going!" Dean shouts over him with a laugh.  

He literally pulls Cas down the hallway and into their bedroom. When Cas closes the door behind him, Dean pushes him up against it and slathers his body against his instantly. He pushes his tongue into Cas's mouth, fuelled by the moan Cas lets out, and starts taking Cas's clothes off, one irritating layer at a time.  

They're both down to just their pants in record time, and their bodies are moving together, rutting against each other, wanting more. Dean lets his hands drop down to open Cas's belt, and undoes his fly. He takes a deep breath and says, "I wanna try somethin', okay? I dunno if I can do it, but I wanna try. That okay?" 

"You don't have to do anything you want to do," Cas says kindly.  

"I want to," Dean insists, and he does. It scares him, but he does. "Want to make you feel good, Cas."  

Slowly, Dean drops to his knees in front of his boyfriend. He pulls Cas's pants and plain white boxers down, and lets him step out of them. He's face to face with his dick for the first time, and he takes a good look at it while he's there. He's surprised that he didn't notice before, but he's pretty sure Cas is bigger than him. Longer, anyway. Maybe not as big around. His first impression is that he's very clean. His pubic hair is trimmed nice and short, and he smells like sex already, but in a good way.  

"Dean?" Cas asks, his voice already low and scratchy.  

"Just getting acquainted," Dean says, and he knows Cas must be nervous because he huffs out a half-hearted laugh.  

"I don't know... what is happening," Cas says.  

Dean flicks his eyes up to Cas's, and grips his cock. He strokes it with long, smooth motions, the way he knows Cas likes it best. It makes it easier for him when he sees the pleasure all over Cas's face, because this is what Dean wants. He wants to make Cas feel like this. He wants him to lose his mind and Dean wants to be the one who tears him apart piece by piece.  

Dean sees a small bead of precum collect at the tip of Cas's cock, and figures there's no time like the present. He stops moving his hand, and places his other hand on Cas's hip in case he needs to hold him still. When Cas's eyes open again, Dean holds his gaze as he slowly moves his head towards his dick. He sees the moment Cas has figured out what Dean's about to do because his mouth drops open, and when he feels Cas's cock thicken even more in his hand pleasure shoots straight to his own cock. Finally, tentatively, he sticks his tongue out and flicks it over the slit of Cas's cockhead to collect the precome. The flavor is bitter, but he expected that much, and he finds it isn't quite as bad as he thought it would be. There's something very Cas about the taste, and it's familiar somehow. Cas hisses above him and Dean was right to hold his hips, because Cas thrusts towards him.  

"Need you to try and stay still, okay?" Dean asks him.  

"Sorry," Cas gasps. "I wasn't expecting that to feel so good." 

"I'm just getting started," Dean says. "Stay still or I'll hold you still," he warns. Cas swallows but nods.  

Dean moves in again, and licks him the same way, and Cas makes another desperate sound in his throat, but he stays still. Dean runs his tongue around the top of Cas's dick like he's licking up a dripping ice cream cone.  

"Uhhh," Cas moans, and Dean sees his palms pressed flat against the door. He lets go of Cas's hip to grab his hand and place it on his head. Then he covers his teeth with his lips, wraps his mouth around his dick, and sucks gently on the tip. Dean moans around him when Cas's hands tug at his hair. Shit, that feels good. Cas lets out another desperate sound and Dean can hear him panting above him. He feels arousal curl in his stomach because hearing Cas so turned on is way hotter than he thought it would be.  

He pulls off just to get a deep breath, and then sinks down slowly on Cas's dick, getting as much as he can into his mouth, and even forcing some down his throat.  

Cas's hands fist in his hair again, and though Cas isn't thrusting into him, he isn't still either, writhing back and forth, seemingly unable to stay still.  

Dean gags, and pulls off of him for a second to get himself under control, and then dives right back down as far as he can go. Dean hears Cas moan again, and Dean's surprised that he feels a little bit of pride. He's good at this. Cas is loving it, and even though he doesn't enjoy the thought of having a dick in his mouth, the act itself isn't that bad. This is Cas, and Dean's hard as a rock in his pants just because of the sounds Cas is making and knowing that he's the one pulling them from him.  

He sucks hard, feeling his cheeks cave in, and drags his mouth up and down Cas's length, bobbing his head. He feels Cas tense   under him, and then pulls off closer to the tip again. He flicks his tongue over his slit, and Cas says, "Dean. _Dean_ , I'm close. Oh Dean, this feels amazing. I don't want you stop." 

Dean pulls off to an angry groan from Cas. He looks at him and sees how absolutely wrecked he is. He smiles and says, "Don't come in my mouth, okay? Pull my hair when you need me to stop and I will. Do not come in my mouth," he says again, making himself very clear.  

Cas nods. "I understand." 

Dean flicks his tongue over his slit one, two, three times more, before gripping Cas's cock tight and taking him as far and as fast as he can down his throat. He bobs his head up and down again, letting Cas's cock nudge against the back of his throat, gagging the whole time but refusing to stop when he knows Cas is so close.  

Dean can feel Cas's cock grow even thicker, harder somehow, and then Cas pulls his hair hard enough to make Dean pop off and wince at the combination of pleasure and pain. He grabs Cas's shirt off the floor beside him and pumps Cas through his orgasm with his hand, catching rope after rope of his cum with his shirt.  

Cas practically slumps over him when he's spent, apparently unable to hold himself up. Dean stands, wincing again at the pain in his knees, and holds Cas's weight against the door. "I got you, Cas," he tells him, pressing wet kisses down the side of his neck. He wraps one arm around his shoulders, and the other one behind his knees, and carries him in his arms the few steps to their bed. He places him down gently, and lays beside him.  

Immediately, Cas turns towards him and covers him with kisses. He kisses the side of his face, his neck, his shoulder. "You're so amazing," Cas whispers between kisses. "So good to me, Dean." His hands start a trail for his mouth, roaming his bare chest, chased by his lips. "You mean so much to me," Cas says, and Dean feels that warmth in his chest again. "Everything. You're everything to me," he breathes.  

Dean brings his hands up to stroke over his back, because he's feeling so much right now and he doesn't know what else to do but to show him.  

"Cas," Dean tries to say, and he's more surprised than anybody when it comes out like a whine. "Me too, Cas." He brings his hand up to cup Cas's face and Cas kisses his palm, and his fingers, before he moves back up his body to kiss him passionately. 

There's something different about this kiss. It's more somehow. It scares Dean a little bit, but it sets his whole body on fire, too, and it makes him feel like he's floating all at the same time. With Cas pressed against the length of his body, he's reminded of just how hard he is right now and suddenly he's desperate. His hips move automatically against Cas, searching for friction.  

Cas snakes a hand down his body, and into his pants. "God, Cas," Dean breathes, as Cas wraps his hand around him.  

"Mmmm, Dean. My Dean," Cas whispers against his lips.  

"Yes," Dean croaks. "M’yours, Cas.”

Overwhelmed by the things that he's feeling and the things they’re saying, his chest starts feeling like it's going to overflow with something Dean doesn't even want to think about right now, he's quickly brought to the edge by Cas's hand.  

"I love your body," Cas tells him. "I love everything about you. I love being with you like this. Dean, I..." Cas stops himself and bites down on Dean's collarbone.  

"I know," Dean whispers, and grabs Cas to pull him towards him to catch his mouth one more time. His orgasm rips through him and he moans into Cas's mouth as he comes hard between them. The first breath he has control over comes out of him with, "I know, Cas. I know." And they kiss again, and again, and again. When they finally stop, both of them emotionally and physically exhausted, it's because Dean’s fallen asleep. They’re wrapped in one another, covered in Dean's cum, and somehow happier than either of them ever thought they could be.  

Dean wakes a short while later to Cas curled on his chest as usual. He isn’t ready to say anything, so he just laces his fingers through Cas’s on his chest. They lay there for a little while in comfortable silence, even though Dean’s head is spinning. Cas didn’t say it, but he might as well have. Cas is in love with him. His immediate thought is that this is too fast. Dean only figured out they were dating a little while ago, even though they’ve technically been together for a few months now. When he thinks it through like that, he frowns because it seems off. It seems like they’ve been together longer somehow. Maybe because of how well they already knew each other before this? Maybe because of how long Dean refused to acknowledge how he felt about Cas? 

Looking back, he can admit now that he’s had feelings for Cas for years. There was always something more between them, but he wasn’t ready to know what it was. Part of him still doesn’t feel like he’s ready, but the other part can’t imagine his life without it now that he’s felt it. 

He’s not good with the word love. He’s only said it a handful of times to Sam, choosing to believe that he just knows and he doesn’t have to say it all the time. He thinks about his mom, and can’t think of a time he’s said it to her out loud since she came back. In text messages, sure, that’s easy. But out loud? He doesn’t think so.  

Hearing it isn’t any easier. He knows he makes Cas feel good, and he can even admit he’s seen Cas smile more in the last few months than he’s ever seen him smile before. Cas doesn’t leave any more, and he doesn’t shut himself up alone in his old room anymore either. Sometimes he hangs out with Sam while Dean works on his car, but more often than not, they’re together every minute of every day. And Dean doesn’t mind it at all. He likes having Cas around so much, and he likes spending time with him. He feels like a chick for admitting it even to himself, but he likes touching Cas and being touched by Cas. He’s never enjoyed that before, always finding whoever’s touching him needy and off-putting. But not Cas. Cas isn’t touching him because he needs him, he’s touching him because he loves him. 

Cas loves him. 

He notices the curve of his lips and realizes the thought made him smile this time. Cas loves him. He smiles a little bit bigger. Cas’s an idiot, obviously, because there’s nothing special about Dean, and there’s no reason he should love him, but he does. Dean knows he doesn’t deserve him, that he’ll never deserve him, but he warned Cas that he’s a selfish son of a bitch, and he isn’t letting him go. 

Huh. He’s not going to let him go. He doesn’t want to lose Cas. He wants to keep him like this for as long as Cas is stupid enough to be with him, and for once in his goddamned life, he doesn't want to push him away. He’s his best friend. He makes him happy. He makes him feel loved, and appreciated, and wanted, and like he’s worth being around. 

 _Holy shit, I love him too_ , Dean realizes suddenly. It’s like a bolt of lightning straight to his chest and he can feel the knowledge explode through his whole body. He’s never loved anybody before. He didn’t even think he could. He always thought he was so fucked up by everything that’s happened to him that he legitimately couldn’t feel love. But God. He does. He loves Cas. 

For the first time in a long time, he feels that sick feeling in his stomach again. And he understands it this time, because it’s so obviously fear. If he feels like this about Cas – and he does – Cas has a shitload of power over him. He could crush him. He exhales deeply and allows that thought to sink in. Cas could break his heart. If Cas left now, like he’s left before, Dean wouldn’t get past it. There’s not enough alcohol in the world to help him get over that again. 

But Cas loves him, he remembers. He won’t leave him now, will he? Dean knows him well enough to know that he won’t hurt him on purpose. Cas only wants to make him happy. Cas would do anything to make him happy. He’s been so patient with him. He hasn’t pushed him. He’s never asked him for more than he could give. They’ve been together for months and they haven’t even had sex, and Cas doesn’t care, and he doesn’t push him, and most of the time Dean doesn’t care either because what they have is so much more than that. Even though Dean’s sure that other than purgatory, this is the longest he’s ever gone in his entire life without having sex, it doesn’t bother him like it always would before. Maybe it’s all the orgasms. 

Which reminds him of the mess he still has all over him. Which then reminds him of what Cas said without really saying, and how all Dean could say was, “I know.” He puts himself in Cas’s shoes and his heart drops when he thinks about how much it would hurt if he mustered up the courage to tell Cas how he felt and he didn’t say he felt the same way. Even though Cas didn’t really say it, he knew what he meant, and he didn’t say it back. 

He feels his throat dry up again, because he can’t say it right now. He doesn’t know if he will ever be able to say it. But he knows for sure he can’t right now. Can he say it how Cas did, though? Can he say it without actually saying it? He feels fear in his stomach, but it’s not that bad. He already knows Cas feels the same way, so there’s not a lot of risk involved. He can say it. He doesn’t want Cas to hurt because he won’t. 

“Hey, Cas?” he says. 

“Mmm?” Cas answers. 

“You know what you said before? And I said I know?” 

Dean feels Cas tense up. “I’m sorry, Dean, I didn’t mean to. I don’t want to push you, and I don’t want to scare you. I was overwhelmed with feelings and I said it without thinking.” 

“Did you mean it?” Dean asks, not sure anymore, and needing to be really, really sure before he says it back. 

“Of course I meant it,” Cas says easily. “But I didn’t mean to push you. Are you mad?” 

“No, I’m not mad, Cas,” Dean tells him. Surely Cas can feel how hard his heart is beating right now. “I can’t say it back. And I don’t think I’m ready to hear it except for how you already said it.” 

“I understand,” Cas says evenly, but Dean knows it isn’t okay. 

“But the thing is...” Dean says. And if this is the only way he’s gonna be able to say it, he needs Cas to look at him so that he knows what he’s trying to say. “Cas?” he says, and Cas turns his head to look at him like he wanted him to. “Me, too.” 

Cas is quiet for a second. His eyebrows draw together, and he says, “You too? You... what I said – what I didn’t say, but what I  _meant_  -  you... you feel that way, too?” 

This is the stupidest conversation he’s ever had, but he thinks Cas understands, and that’s enough. 

“I know what you meant, and I feel it too, for you,” Dean says. “Me, too,” Dean repeats. 

“Oh Dean,” Cas breathes. He closes his eyes and when he opens them again they’re liquid. So blue, and full of so much feeling, Dean is overwhelmed that he can make Cas feel so much. “Truly?” 

“Would I be sweating through this ridiculous conversation if I was joking?” Dean asks, smiling. “This is the only way I can tell you right now. Maybe forever. I don’t know. But I need you to know what I’m trying to tell you. Do you get it, Cas?” 

“I get it,” Cas says, and he dives on him, pressing their lips together. They’re both smiling so big they’re kissing each other’s teeth, and then they start laughing – Cas is  _laughing_  – and it’s because Dean made him so happy. It’s the best thing he’s ever felt. He’s in love. He loves somebody who loves him back, and he never thought in a million years he would have this, and he’s hit with the knowledge that he’d fight with everything he has to keep it. 

“This is real,” Dean breathes. “What we have is real,” he realizes. “I don’t wanna lose you. I can’t lose you, Cas.” 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Cas promises him with another kiss. “You can’t make me leave if you try. I’m with you for as long as you’ll have me.” 

Dean takes another big breath. “God, I feel like I’m going to cry or laugh or explode or something,” he laughs. “But in a good way.” 

Cas gives him one of his biggest smiles and even wiggles his eyebrows like Dean does, and then says, “Me, too,” and Dean laughs, and they’re kissing again. 

 

* * *

 

A few days later, the thought suddenly hits Dean that he should probably buy some lube. Just in case. It takes him a week to work up the courage to go to the closest Gas N Sip with every intention of buying it. But when he stands in front of the purple box inside the store, he can't do it. He leaves without buying anything and feels like a total pussy. The next day, he tells himself he can do it this time, but for the second day in a row, he leaves without it. The third day he stays home, not wanting to look like a freaking weirdo to the guy who works at the store. But finally, on the third try, he puts the biggest bottle of Astroglide they sell on the counter and buys it without saying a word or looking the cashier in the face even once. Now he won't have to go back for a while.  

It's another week and a half after that when Dean finally tells Cas that he bought lube. Cas has no idea what lube is, and when he asks him, Dean finds he can't talk about it. He asks him to give him a couple days, and when it's been another week and Dean still hasn't brought it up again, Cas asks him about it, and Dean finally just pulls the box out from under their bed and thrusts it into Cas's hands.  

Cas takes it and begins to read it aloud. (Of course he'd read it aloud.) "'Remove seal from bottle opening before initial use. Apply liberally to genital areas. Vary amount to achieve desired lubrication. To enhance condom use, add a small amount to the inner and outer surfaces.' Did you buy condoms, too?" Cas asks.  

"N-no," Dean stammers. "I mean, I have some, but I'm clean, Cas. And you're an angel. Can you even get...?" 

"No, I can't contract human diseases," Cas confirms.  

"So if you don't want to, we don't need to use them," Dean says carefully. 

Cas is quiet for a minute, and Dean hears himself talking under his breath as he reads over the directions again. "How would we do this?" he asks.  

"H-how would we, you know, do it?" Dean asks, suddenly willing to never talk about this ever again even if it means he never gets to have sex. 

"How would you and I have sex?" Cas says without a hint of embarrassment. 

"Oh. Yeah. Well, uh. What do you think?" Dean dodges.  

"Based on your never-ending declarations about not being gay, I'm assuming you would like to penetrate me." 

Dean looks at Cas for the first time since he handed him the bottle. Cas's face is completely blank, with no expression on it whatsoever. "Would that be something you're willing to try?" 

"I'm going to need some time to consider it, if that's alright." 

"Of course it's alright, Cas. I don't wanna, you know, pressure you or anything. We don't have to do this if you don't want to. I'm happy with the way things are." 

"Thank you," Cas says. "I'll let you know when I'm ready to discuss it further." 

It's three whole days (not that Dean is counting) when they're laying in bed together again when Cas says, "I want to talk about sexual intercourse again." 

Dean swallows loudly. "Okay." 

"I have been thinking, and I'm not sure I understand the point. We already bring each other to orgasm in several different ways, almost every day. Why do you want to have sexual intercourse with me?" 

"I'm gonna not look at you when we talk about this, okay?" Dean says awkwardly.  

Cas sighs. "If you insist upon acting like a child, then yes, I suppose so." 

"Yeah well, I am a child, and you love me anyway, so you better just deal with it or we're never gonna be able to talk about it at all," Dean says.  

"Fine, look away," Cas teases him.  

"Fine," Dean says, and he does. "I like sex. Big surprise, right? This is the longest I've ever gone without it. And I hope you know that's fine. I'm happy with you, and... our sex life. But... you know how I feel about you. And, well, shit, Cas. They call it 'making love' for a reason. And not just for chick flicks. I'm pretty sure it'll feel fucking amazing, but more than that, I just wanna share it with you. It's as close to you as I can possibly get, and I want that with you," Dean says, his face flushed redder than it’s ever been in his life. "If, uh, if you want to." 

"Do you believe it will also feel amazing for me?" Cas asks.  

"I'd be pretty disappointed if it didn't. I'll do everything I can to make it good for you, Cas. Besides, I uh, may have Googled a non-porny 'how-to' kinda thing and from what I've read, me stimulating your prostate is supposed to feel really good." 

"You Googled how to have sex with me?" Cas asks.  

"Well, yeah. I know you're an angel and really strong and everything, but I don't want to hurt you. I wanted to make sure I knew how to make it good for you." 

Dean feels Cas lean over and kiss him on his temple. "I should have expected you to try to learn as much about this as you could. You're always so attentive to my needs and feelings. I appreciate that very much," Cas says.  

"Jeez, Cas," Dean replies, embarrassed.  

"I would like to read what you read." 

"I can send you the link," Dean says. Cas doesn't say anything. Dean finally feels safe enough to turn to look at him and he sees Cas sitting there, like he’s waiting. "Right now?" Dean asks.  

"Yes, please. This isn't something I've had a reason to research before, and I'm curious." 

Dean reaches for his phone and brings up the page he bookmarked. He sends it to Cas, and hears his phone ding with the message.  

"You uh, feel free to read away, but I'm gonna go to sleep okay?" 

"Will the light on my phone bother you?" Cas asks.  

"Nah, just don't watch any porn," Dean teases.  

"It would be completely for educational purposes. Surely you know by now I've only ever been attracted to you?" 

"It was a joke, babe," Dean says, and he's suddenly horrified by the nickname that slipped out. "Cas. I meant Cas." 

"You called me babe," Cas says, amused. "An endearment." 

"Shut up. It just slipped out." 

"I don't mind," Cas says. "In fact, I believe I like it a great deal." 

"Well don't get used to it. I'm never saying it again," Dean says, curling into Cas's body, making himself the big spoon.  

"Oh, I think you will. Goodnight, Dean," Cas says. 

Dean kisses him on the slope of his neck. He fights back a laugh before he says, "Goodnight, babe." And he gets the pleasure of hearing Cas chuckle.  


	3. Chapter 3

A few days later, Dean, Cas, and Sam are on a hunt and find themselves face to face with one of the angriest ghosts they've faced in years. This chick is pissed, and powerful with it. Sam and Cas both have guns loaded with salt rounds, but she's all over the place and they can't get a clear shot. They're trying to get to an old guitar they think she's tied to, but they can't get past her. Dean's just barely keeping her away with a blade made of iron, and even Cas can't move fast enough to get the guitar. She sends absolutely everything in the room flying at them: books, utensils, pots and pans, chairs. Cas doesn't dodge a skillet fast enough, and gets it against his kneecap. He drops to the ground momentarily, and Dean's heart stops when he sees the ghost start to fire knives at him. He rushes forward to take her out with his blade -  _not fast enough, not nearly fucking fast enough_ , he thinks as he sees blood bloom on Cas's arm and chest - when suddenly she turns on him, and with a flick of her wrist his blade goes flying.  

" _Move_ , Dean!" Sam yells, but Dean's feet are frozen in place. He needs to get to Cas, who's bleeding all over the damned place, and he needs to get past this stupid fucking ghost to get to him. Right now.  

"Cas?" Dean calls in a panic.

"I'm fine, Dean. Move out of the way!" 

But he can't. This is the first time he's seen Cas really hurt since they've been together and he's paralyzed with fear and the need to get to him, to help him, to make him better is overwhelming him. He takes another step, hoping to just take the ghost by surprise and walk past her, but she lifts her arm and he goes flying into the wall.  

He hears Cas yell, "DEAN, NO!" before he slides down the wall and lands in a heap on the floor. He knows from the familiar pain that his shoulder is dislocated and it hurts like a son of a bitch.  

Dean doesn't know how it happens, but there's a shriek of rage and then the ghost bursts into flames in front of him.  

"She was too busy watching you slide down the wall to pay attention to me," Sam says, book of matches still in his hand.  

"Good job, Sammy," Dean says with gritted teeth.  

Cas is at his side instantly. "Where are you hurt?" he demands.  

"Dislocated my shoulder. Hurts like a bitch. Can you help me up?" Cas takes his other arm and helps him to his feet.  

"You're still bleeding," Dean says. "Why don't you heal yourself?" 

"I need to heal you," Cas says. "I can't do both. Just stay still," he tells him.  

"Woah, woah! Back off!" Dean says sharply, taking a step away. "Sam, can you pop my shoulder back in?" 

"Are you gonna pass out this time?" Sam jokes, but he looks worried.  

"Least I've got two of you to catch me if I do," Dean replies.  

"Don't be ridiculous. I can heal you and you won't feel any pain," Cas says moving closer again.  

"And I can take a bit of a pain to fix me up, and then you can fix yourself up with your grace. I don't want you to heal me when you're still bleeding all over the fucking room. Sam, come here," Dean says.  

"Sam, please don't. I can heal him," Cas begs.  

"We both want you to heal yourself, Cas. Dean can take it. He's pretty tough. And I was just teasing about him passing out. That only happened the first time. He was fine the other two times," Sam says.  

"I could stop you," Cas threatens, and Dean can see that he's pissed, and for some reason that pisses him off too.  

"Cas, stop being a dick about this. I'll be fine in two minutes and then you can heal yourself and we can all go home." 

"I want to help _you_!" Cas insists.  

"And I want you to help yourself! If you'd shut up I'd be better by now!" Dean shouts.  

"Why are you being so stubborn about this?" Cas shouts back.  

"Guys -" Sam tries.  

"Shut up, Sam," Cas and Dean both say at the same time. Sam throws his hands up in defeat, turns away, and waits for them to fight it out.  

"Because I want you to take care of yourself. You're  _bleeding_  Cas!" 

"I'm fine!" 

"You'll  _be_  fine once you heal yourself. How do you think it feels for me to watch you bleed all over the place, huh?" Dean tries.  

"How do you think I feel watching you flying through the air and slamming into a wall!? You couldn't even stand up by yourself! I'm an angel, and I can heal you," Cas reminds him.  

"You need to heal yourself first! I can live with a dislocated shoulder, but you'll die if you don't stop bleeding!” Real fear sinks into Dean when he hears what he said. "God, Cas. You could die." Complete panic sets in and he starts babbling, "You told me you wouldn't leave me! You promised! You're supposed to love me! You need to heal yourself so you can stay with me like you said you would. I – I  _need you_ , Cas. I love you!" Dean yells at him.  

Dean's chest is heaving, and his throat is burning, and he's fighting back tears because his shoulder is fucking killing him. And he can't believe he just told Cas he loves him for the first time by yelling at him in front of his brother.  

Cas's face turns from pissed off to soft, and then the cuts all over his body glow with the bright blue light that Dean knows is Cas's grace, and Dean has to try to choke back a sob as relief floods through him.  

"I'm not leaving you," Cas says softly. "I'm healed. I'm okay." 

Dean drags in air and turns to look at Sam, who's looking like he'd like to be anywhere but here right now. "Sam?" he croaks.  

Sam nods and walks back over to him. Cas comes and stands as close as he can without being in the way.  

Sam gets a good grip on his arm, and says, "On three, okay?" Dean nods. "One, two -" and he pushes his shoulder back into the socket with a pop.  

Dean sees black filling his vision, and manages to say, "Cas," before he loses consciousness.  

He comes-to in the back seat of the car, his head pillowed in Cas's lap. "Are you in any pain?" Cas asks before he even opens his eyes.  

"Nah, just tired." 

"Sleep," Cas says, and he strokes his hand through his hair. "I'll wake you when we get home." 

"Kay," Dean says, and sinks back into sleep.  

When they get back to the bunker, Cas insists on walking Dean to the bathroom, and then they go straight to their room for the night, Cas never letting him go even once. "Do you need help changing into your pajamas?" Cas asks.  

"For the hundredth time, I'm fine now. Just tired," Dean tells him.  

"I'm going to go get you some pain killers and something to eat. Sit down once you've changed and I'll be right back." 

Dean has barely sat down when Cas is back with a sandwich and a glass of water. "Not even you could make a sandwich that fast," Dean says.  

"Sam already had it made, I just had to get the pills," Cas confesses. "Take them, please." 

"Will you get outta my ass if I do?" 

"Probably not," Cas admits, but Dean takes them anyway. He eats his sandwich quickly and mechanically, not really tasting it, as Cas sheds his many layers of bloody clothes and places everything in the hamper.  Dean checks his body over closely for any marks and is pleased to see Cas's skin as smooth as ever before he steps into pajamas.  

"Do I pass your inspection?" Cas asks, as he climbs into bed beside him, careful not to jostle him or the bed. Dean supposes he wasn't very subtle. Cas flicks the lamp off, and gathers him close, making Dean lay on his chest this time instead of the other way around. 

"Yeah, you look good, Cas. Back to normal," he says. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. I just saw you bleeding and you wouldn't listen to me and I kinda panicked for a minute. I didn't mean to yell." 

"That's alright, I understand exactly," Cas says, planting a soft kiss to his head.  

"I'm uh, sorry for yelling, y’know. What I said. I didn't want to say it like that," Dean tells him.  

"Even though you yelled it at me, it was nice to hear." 

Dean sees Cas covered in blood in his head again. And he thinks about how easily he could lose him any day. And how much he'd hate himself if that's the only time he ever said it. Besides, it's not quite so bad knowing that he's already said it once.  

"I do, though. It's hard for me to say, but I love you, Cas. I thought for a second I'd never get to tell you, and it scared the shit outta me, and now I wanna tell you at least once without yelling at you. So... I love you." 

"I love  _you_ , Dean,” Cas breathes happily. “You have no idea how long I've wanted to tell you. I've loved you for years. I love you so, very, _very_ much." Cas squeezes him. "Thank you for telling me. I didn't think it would feel so good. I thought it didn't matter if you never said it, but this is the best thing I've ever felt. Thank you for saying it," Cas sighs, kissing his head again.  

"Cas, you're kinda hurting my shoulder," Dean tells him, and Cas lessens his grip instantly.  

"I'm so sorry!" Cas exclaims. "I forgot." 

"That's okay, I'm okay. And you're okay. We're okay," Dean whispers.  

"We're perfect," Cas says. "You can go to sleep now." 

"Thanks," Dean says, letting his eyes close.  

It's quiet for a long time, but before he falls asleep he hears Cas whisper one more time, "I love you, Dean." 

"Love you too, Cas," Dean whispers back, and he's surprised that it slips out a second time so easily. 

 

* * *

 

Dean introduces Astroglide into their lives a couple of days later. After licking his hand for what feels like the tenth time in five minutes, he reaches into his drawer to grab the lube. “Not sex,” he tells Cas easily, “just lubrication.” 

He pops the top and Cas says, “Remove seal from bottle opening before initial use.”  

Dean can’t not shake his head at him, but listens and takes off the cap to peel the seal off. “Happy?” Dean asks.  

“I will be when your hand continues stimulating my erection,” Cas says irritably. 

“Oh my god,” Dean says is disbelief. How is this his life now? “Hold your horses,” he says as he squeezes a little bit of lube on to his hand. He rubs his hands together to warm it up and huh, it’s silkier and more natural feeling than he thought it would be. He shoots Cas a cocky smile, and takes Cas’s cock in his hand. His hand glides over his length easily, and Cas inhales on a gasp.  

“ _Oh_!” he says, and Dean’s smile turns genuine instead of teasing. Cas’s eyes meet his and he says, “You have to feel this.” 

Well, his other hand has lube on it too, so he takes Cas’s suggestion and grips himself in his hand the way he has a thousand times before. But this is different. This is amazing.  _Holy shit_ , he has been missing out! His jaw unhinges as he fucks into his own hand. He looks down at Cas’s dick disappearing into the tight fist of his hand and has a revelation.  

He covers Cas’s body with his, and  _oh my god_ , rutting with the lube slicking the way is so much better. He forgets the thought he had only a minute ago, distracted by just how good it feels to be pressed up against Cas, sliding against his body.  

“Mmmm, Dean,” Cas moans, and Dean knows by now Cas doesn’t start talking until he’s close. That brings him back to his original thought, and he lifts himself enough to press their cocks together in his hand. They groan together and Dean wonders why he never thought to do this before.  

His hand moves over them both so easily, and their two cocks pressing together is the perfect amount of friction. He’s mesmerized by the sight of both of their cocks in his hand, and he sees Cas in his peripheral vision staring just the same. “This is good,” Cas says, panting. “Lube is really good, Dean. Ohhh it feels amazing,” he sighs.  

Dean tears his eyes away from his hand long enough to find Cas’s lips, teasing him by running his tongue along his mouth but not inside. Cas makes a sound of impatience in his throat, and Dean dives in with his tongue, sinking into the now familiar taste of his boyfriend. Cas tips his head back, and Dean moves his mouth down to his neck. “Dean, Dean, Dean,” Cas chants, and Dean speeds up his hand, knowing Cas is about to come and wanting to be there with him when he does. He twists his wrist, and drags a low moan from himself. He can feel it now.  

“Dean,” Cas gasps again, and Dean lifts himself to watch as his hand moves like a blur over their cocks. He twists his wrist again, Cas’s fingers dig into his back, and Dean watches as he comes with a spurt between their bodies. Seeing it is enough to push Dean over the edge with Cas, and he comes hard with a silent shout, adding his cum to the mess of Cas’s between them.  

He collapses on top of Cas like he always does, and Cas’s hands stroke down his back like they always do. It’s nice. Comforting. Normal. Cas presses kisses to Dean’s neck and shoulder as he catches his breath, and then Cas says, “Why haven’t we tried that before?” 

“I have no freaking clue, but we’re definitely doing it again.” Cas hums his agreement against Dean's neck.  

“I think I’m ready to have sexual intercourse with you,” Cas says and Dean pushes himself up to look at his face while he tries to unroll his tongue. “Not immediately, of course,” Cas says when he sees excitement all over Dean’s face. “But next time, perhaps tomorrow, if you’re still interested in trying it.” 

“You want to?” Dean checks.  

“Yes, I believe so. You always make everything we do together very pleasurable, so I’d like to try to let you have sex with me.” 

“I think I’m getting hard again already,” Dean says, and Cas knows he’s joking because they’ve tried _a lot_  and they both know Dean just can’t get there that fast anymore.  

“You’re insufferable,” Cas says fondly.  

“I’m crazy about you,” Dean replies, and he kisses Cas one more time before he gets up and reaches for the wipes, passing some to Cas, too. That’s the closest Dean’s come to saying I love you since the first night, and even though it isn’t the exact words, it’s close enough. 

Dean is overcome with gratitude at just how well Cas understands him when he smiles and says, “I love you, too, Dean.” 

He knows he doesn’t have to say anything back, so he doesn’t, but he absorbs the words and holds them close the way he always does when Cas tells him he loves him, which is often. Dean’s glad Cas doesn’t seem to mind when Dean doesn’t say it back, or when he says it half-way using words like, “Me, too,” or, “I do, too.” Dean thinks for the millionth time how lucky he is to have somebody like Cas who accepts him and loves him just the way he is, with no pressure and no expectations. He really, really loves Cas.  

 

* * *

 

The next day, Dean and Cas share secret looks between them the whole day. Dean feels anticipation curling in his stomach, and has to talk down his hard-on more than once. Mary joins them for dinner, and they watch Jeopardy with her and Sam after doing the dishes like every night they’re home, and tonight Sam beats Cas, which doesn’t happen very often. Dean is barely paying attention at all, thinking instead about Cas, and what they’re going to try to do tonight. They catch each other’s gaze and smile and turn away from each other not for the first time and Sam says, “Okay, what’s going on between you two? Why do you keep looking at each other like that?” 

Dean tries to hide his grin but can’t. “You don’t wanna know, Sammy.” 

“I do,” Mary says. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy, Dean.” 

“Even Cas is smiling. It’s _weird_ ,” Sam says.  

“Do you have something you want to tell us?” Mary asks.  

Dean’s sure she isn’t asking him if they’re about to have sex for the first time. In fact, they’d both probably fall over dead if they knew Cas and Dean have been together all this time and haven’t had sex yet. So he has no idea what she’s asking them. He looks at Cas, but he can tell just by his face that he doesn’t know any more than Dean does.  

“No?” Dean says, posed like a question.  

“Neither of them are wearing rings,” Sam says.  

Dean just about chokes on his spit. “You think we’re getting  _married_?” 

Sam shrugs, “I thought it was a possibility.” 

“You’re insane. Like _I_  would get married,” he laughs, and looks over at Cas to share the joke with him, only Cas isn’t looking at him, and is instead looking at his lap. Shit. “You don't even exist to the government,” he tries. “I’m probably in a dozen episodes of America’s Most Wanted. We couldn’t ever get legally married. You know that, right?” he asks Cas.  

Cas looks up at him and says with a tight smile, “I understand, Dean.” 

Dean smiles back at him and rubs his hand on his knee in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. He shoots his mom and Sam a dirty look and says, “Thanks for that.” 

“Obviously I knew you couldn’t  _really_  get married. But I thought maybe you committed to each other or something. I didn’t mean to upset you, Cas. Dean’s right though, it can’t ever really happen,” Sam explains.  

“You could still exchange rings some day if that’s something you wanted to do,” Mary says with a small smile at Cas. “It doesn’t matter if it’s recognized by the state or the church, as long as you both mean it in your hearts.” Dean sees her twisting her own simple gold wedding band on her finger and has to swallow down a lump in his throat.  

“You raise an excellent point, Mary. Thank you,” Cas says, and he joins his hand with Dean’s between them.   

“Okay, so it’s not that. What else makes Dean happy?” Sam thinks out loud. He looks at Cas and Dean and Dean can see he’s concentrating. His eyes squint and he shakes his head. “Nah. Not possible. There’s no way. Are you... Is tonight...” he trails off, not really wanting to know. Dean can feel his face burning and wishes he could fall right through the couch to disappear and he guesses that’s enough for Sam because he says, “Oh my God! Ew! Would you just go already!”  

Mary seems confused and looks between Sam and Dean to see what part of the silent conversation she missed, and when she sees Dean looking embarrassed and Sam looking disgusted, she seems to decide she doesn’t want to know. “Well,” she says loudly, slapping a hand down on Sam and Dean’s knees and pushing herself to her feet, “I think I’m gonna take off. I’ll talk to you kids soon,” she says, and she starts to walk out of the room. She gets to the top of the stairs before she says, “Be safe, boys.”

“I’m gonna kill you,” Dean says to Sam, ready to pounce, but Sam is already up and running to barricade himself into his room.  

“Dean?” Cas asks him.  

“Yeah, Cas?” Dean says, irritated.  

“Did your mom just advise us to have safe sex?” 

Dean closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Can you please never say the words mom and sex in the same sentence ever again?”

“My apologies,” Cas says, but Dean knows he’s amused because of the inflection in his voice.  

“You think this is funny?”  

“It’s certainly amusing from my point of view,” Cas admits.  

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom and get ready for bed,” Dean says, standing.  

“I’ll be waiting,” Cas answers, and Dean feels his stomach muscles clench.  

Dean goes to the bathroom, spends extra time making sure his mouth is extra clean, messes his hair again the way he knows Cas likes it, decides to shave again quickly, and then applies an extra coat of deodorant before he finally goes back to his bedroom. He doesn’t bother changing into pajamas now, because they both know their clothes are going to come off soon anyway.  

When Dean opens the door to his bedroom and steps through, he stops in his tracks. Cas managed to get his hands on some candles apparently, and there’s a dozen of them lit on either side of the bed. And the lube is out, uncapped and waiting for them, too. Dean raises an eyebrow at Cas. Cas smiles sheepishly. “I wanted it to be special,” he says. He’s laying on the bed, stripped down to just his shirt and his pants. 

Dean walks over to the bed, closing and locking the door behind him. He lays down on his side next to Cas, leaning over to kiss him gently. “It was gonna be special anyway, Cas, ‘cause it’s you,” he says, and kisses him again. “I never woulda thought of something like this, so I’m glad you did.” Cas’s eyes are wider than usual, and he doesn’t respond the way he usually does when Dean kisses him. Dean pulls away from him a little bit and then cups his cheek in his palm. “You okay, Cas?”  

“I’m suddenly quite nervous,” Cas confesses.  

Dean smiles. “I thought it was just me.” 

“You’ve done this a thousand times,” Cas says, not believing him.  

“Not like this. Not with a guy, not with you, and not when it means something. I’ve had a lot of sex, but this isn’t just sex. I’m scared I’m gonna hurt you, and honestly, I’m kinda nervous that I want this so bad I’m gonna come way too fast and leave you hangin’,” Dean tells him with a half smile.  

“You want me that badly?” Cas asks.  

“You really need to ask me that?” Dean says, surprised. “I’ve never wanted anybody this bad.” 

“I want you, too,” Cas says, and when he lifts himself up to kiss Dean, he really kisses Dean. Most of their nerves seem to disappear after that. They lose themselves in each other. Every touch and every kiss is gentle and familiar, but exciting. Their shirts come off first, and Dean takes extra care to make sure he shows Cas just how much he loves him. He trails his lips and his tongue over every inch of bare skin, feeling his heart fill with every moan and every gasp he can draw out of Cas. His lips eventually trail downwards, and he stops to lavish attention on the dip of Cas’s hip bones. There’s something so masculine about the indents of his hips, and Dean’s always turned on when Cas starts moving under him, anxious for Dean to keep moving his mouth further down.  

Dean unbuckles Cas’s belt, opens his fly, and dips his thumbs into the waist band of his boxers to pull his pants and boxers off. Cas lifts his hips to help him out, and once they’re completely off, Dean stands to drop his own pants. He kisses his way back up Cas’s legs, and covers his cock with open-mouth kisses. He runs his tongue over Cas’s slit, teasingly slow at first, and then faster the way he knows Cas likes it. When Cas starts thrusting into his mouth, he reaches over to grab the lube. He manages to keep Cas distracted with his mouth so that he doesn’t think he even knows he’s got his fingers slicked up.  

Slowly, with nerves suddenly making his hands tremble, he drags his finger across the cleft of Cas’s ass. Cas jerks, the way he expected him to, and he pops his mouth off his dick long enough to say, “Shhh, it’s okay, babe,” before he sinks his head all the way down his erection to distract him again. He rubs his finger over his hole again, and while he still flinches, it isn’t as bad as it was before. He keeps bobbing his head, not taking him very deep, when he slowly begins to circle Cas’s hole with the tip of his finger.  

He waits for Cas to relax again, and pulls his mouth of Cas’s cock to make eye contact. “One finger,” he warns him, “okay?” Cas hesitates, but nods. “You tell me immediately if there’s any pain.” 

“I will,” Cas tells him.  

Dean nods, and gently nudges his finger against the tight ring of muscle. Dean feels Cas clench automatically and says, “Try to relax for me. I’m not gonna hurt you.” Cas nods again and takes a deep breath. Dean feels his muscles relax. “So good for me, Cas,” Dean praises him, and licks his way up the underside of his cock to reward him.  

When Cas sighs with pleasure, Dean pushes a little harder with the tip of his finger and feels the muscle open for him. With the lube slicking the way, he slowly slides a single digit into Cas’s centre. God damn, he’s tight. Dean thinks about his dick getting squeezed like his finger and has to bite back his own moan of pleasure. “Okay, Cas?” he asks, and he isn’t surprised with just how husky his voice is.  

“It feels weird, but no pain,” Cas says.  

Dean’s shooting for a lot better than weird, so he concentrates on Cas’s dick again – pleased when he sees it’s still hard after reading about some men completely freaking out over this and losing their erection – and waits for Cas to get worked up before he starts moving his finger inside of him. He slides it in and out a few times, and is surprised when he feels Cas opening for him so nicely. When he thinks he can fit in a second finger, he pulls out and remembers to add more lube like he read, and then pushes two fingers in slowly. Cas makes a sound somewhere between pleasure and pain, and Dean freezes.  

“Am I hurting you?” he checks quickly.  

“No,” Cas says. “It feels... different. But good different,” he admits.  

“Are you sure?” 

“Very sure. Please keep going,” Cas asks him.  

Dean slowly begins to move his fingers again, listening closely for any sounds that will give him a hint about what Cas likes and what he doesn’t. He starts opening his fingers, scissoring them like the how-to said, stretching Cas open to get him ready for more. Again, he’s surprised how easily Cas opens up for him. He’s still way too tight, but the way he stretches around his fingers gives Dean hope that he’s gonna fit eventually. When Dean presses in harder, he hits something spongy and Cas gasps loudly and bucks against him.  

Aha! That’s exactly what he was looking for. He curls his fingers, trying to hit it again, and Cas lets out the filthiest fucking moan he’s ever heard. Dean moans in appreciation of the sound, and thinks he could come just listening to him. “That is the sexiest thing I’ve ever fucking heard,” Dean tells him.  

“Don’t stop,” Cas begs him, and Dean grins. He presses into Cas's prostate again and again, and when Cas starts moving against him, he pulls out and reapplies more lube to his fingers before he pushes in with three fingers this time. He slides in easily, and Cas lets out a sigh of pleasure when he starts moving again. He doesn’t have to ask if there’s any pain, because he can tell there isn’t.  

Dean is harder than he’s ever been in his life. Watching his fingers disappear into Cas is hotter than he can explain. He can barely tear his eyes off of it, and does so only to check Cas’s expression, looking every now and then to make sure he’s still okay. He notices Cas’s cock laying heavy against his stomach and he swears he can feel his cock throb when he sees that Cas is leaking all over himself. Dean angles his fingers again to hit his prostate, and Cas moans again, pushing down on to his fingers for more pressure. He waits until he’s sure Cas is opened up enough and then pulls his fingers out.  

He moves up Cas’s body to kiss him, and he lets all the love and passion he has for him come through in this kiss. Their dicks slot together and Dean has to hold back the urge to rut against him, knowing he’ll never last if he does. He lifts himself off of his body enough to press his forehead to Cas’s. “You sure you wanna do this?” he asks.  

“I’m very sure,” Cas tells him. Cas leans up to press their lips together again and rolls his hips into Dean. “Make love to me, Dean.” 

Dean feels his heart twist in his chest at the same time his cock jumps. He nods, kisses Cas one more time, and then sits back on to his knees to spread a liberal amount of lube over his hand, and then on to his dick. He moans at how good it feels just to have his hand on himself, and catches the gleam of appreciation in Cas’s eyes. “Put a pillow under your hips,” Dean says, and Cas nods because he remembers reading that, too. Once Cas is comfortable, Dean moves forward and braces himself with a hand on either side of Cas’s body.  

He moves up so that he’s lined up with Cas’s entrance, and stops when his dick nudges against his hole. He asks one more time with his eyes, and Cas nods. “I want you,” Cas says, and Dean feels all of his nerves fall away.  

He touches his lips to Cas’s when he presses forward between his legs, and he can’t hold in his groan when he finally sinks oh-so-slowly into the impossibly tight, wet heat of his boyfriend. “Oh my god, Cas,” he moans. “You feel amazing. Holy shit,” he says. He kisses him again, remembering to give Cas some time to get used to the feeling of him inside, fighting every instinct he has to fuck into him like a mad man. “You okay?” he remembers to ask.  

Cas nods. “I feel really full, and it’s odd, but it doesn’t hurt.” 

“Can I move?” Dean asks.  

“Slowly,” Cas warns him, and Dean does. He pulls out the tiniest amount, only to press back in gently. Even that makes his breath hitch. He’s never felt anything so good. He drags his hips back a little bit more, and begins a slow but steady rhythm, pushing in and out as slow as he can.  

“Move, Dean,” Cas says, and Dean’s confused because he  _is_  moving.  

“You want me to stop?” he asks.  

“No, I want you to  _move_ ,” Cas says, and he presses his ass down to fuck himself on to Dean harder. “Like you were with your fingers,” he asks. 

Dean pulls out further, and thrusts back into him harder than before. He remembers to angle his hips up, and when he thrusts in a second time, Cas gasps. “Like that, please,” Cas begs. Dean does it again and Cas moans this time. Cas has opened up for his cock like he did for his fingers, and now Dean really starts to move - and it’s unbelievable.  

“Cas,” Dean says, overwhelmed by how this feels. “You feel so good. God, better than anything. So good, Cas. You’re amazing,” he tells him.  

“Mmmm,” Cas moans, beginning to move with him earnest, and holy shit, they’re actually fucking now and Dean couldn’t stop if the world was ending around them. It doesn’t take long until they’re both panting and sweating. Dean leans in to kiss Cas every chance he gets, and they’re sloppy and messy kisses, but he’s desperate to keep this connection. Cas pulls his legs up with his hands, and Dean sinks in even further as they both murmur each other’s names between sounds of pleasure.  

Dean feels his orgasm creeping up on him and he says, “Cas, are you close?” 

Cas nods as he holds his legs in place. “Keep hitting that spot, Dean, I’m close.” 

“Wanna come with you,” Dean says.  

Cas gasps, “Keep going, please. Please don’t stop. It feels so good, Dean.” 

Dean can barely catch his breath now enough to kiss him, so he licks and nibbles his way across his neck as he keeps pumping into him.  

“Dean,” Cas moans, and Dean knows the way he’s saying his name. Thank Christ, because he’s so close he doesn’t know how much longer he can hang on. “Dean, Dean, Dean,” Cas gasps. Dean thrusts into him harder than ever, desperate to get him off first, and Cas tenses under him, his legs fall, and Dean sees his hands push up against the head board. He grabs his hands and presses them into the mattress, lacing their fingers together.

Cas’s eyes pop open and meet Dean’s straight on. “I love you, Dean. I love you so much,” Cas gasps.

Dean lifts his head to press their lips together, and then Cas groans again, unable to form words anymore, and Dean finally feels cum squirt hot and wet on to his stomach and chest as Cas comes completely untouched.  

“Oh Jesus fuck,” Dean says, “So fucking hot, Cas.” Dean rests his forehead on Cas’s, watching him come undone. The muscles in Cas's ass clench around him, and it’s only a handful of thrusts later when Dean finally lets himself go too, and he’s slammed into the most intense orgasm of his entire life. “Oh fuck, fuck, fuck,  _fuck_ ,” he gasps as he empties himself into Cas. He opens his eyes to look at Cas, and his heart feels like it’s going to burst out of his chest when he sees those too-blue eyes boring into his. “I love you, too,” Dean gasps as he pistons his hips forwards desperately. “I love you so much. Oh god, I love you, Cas. Cas, Cas,  _Cas_ ,” he chants until he’s spent.  

“I will always love you,” Cas says, voice rough from under him, and Dean has just enough left in him to kiss him hard and sloppy one more time before he collapses on top of him. 

He stays there for a long time, trying to get both his breathing and his emotions under control. He has to blink back tears, and is thankful his face is buried where Cas can't see and nobody will ever know. He sniffles once and clears his throat before he finally has it together enough to pull out of Cas. He reaches for the wipes and without saying anything at all, he pushes Cas's knees apart and cleans the mess of lube and cum in and around Cas's ass with tenderness and precision. He grabs another wipe to clean of Cas's chest, and he realizes there's something beautifully intimate about being comfortable enough with each other to clean up like this. He finally uses one more wipe on his chest, his hands, and his dick. When they're both decently clean again, Dean slides in the bed beside Cas and holds him like he never wants to let go.  

"Thank you for taking care of me," Cas says, voice still rough and deep.  

"I'll always take care of you, Cas," Dean promises. His hands won't stop roaming Cas's body.  

"That was much more pleasurable than I anticipated." 

Dean smiles at the confession. "Yeah, for me, too. Best sex I've ever had," he confesses, kissing the back of Cas's neck.  

"Ever?" Cas asks.  

"Nothing else even compares," Dean says honestly. He keeps moving his lips across Cas's shoulders and neck, and Cas sighs happily.  

"You're very affectionate tonight," he comments.  

"I'm in love," Dean says simply. "Don't laugh, but I never really got the whole 'making love' thing until tonight. But, I uh, get it now. It's more than sex when you really love who you're with. I didn't, ya know, know it could be like this. Mind blowing, but kinda sweet, and easy at the same time. It was just really,  _really_  good Cas. I feel really good. Want you to know how good you make me feel."  

"I know, because I feel the same. I definitely see the point to intercourse now," Cas says lightly. "I hope we do that as often as possible." 

"Have I told you that I love you?" Dean jokes, pressing the curve of his lips behind Cas's ear.  

"I believe the tally is up to ten times now," Cas says.  

"I think it about fifty times a day," Dean confesses.  

"I know," Cas says easily.  

"How?" Dean asks.  

"It's written all over your face when you look at me."  

"I'm glad you know," Dean tells him, squeezing him tightly. "I better get some pants on before I fall asleep naked."  

He stands and grabs some pajama pants, throws a pair to Cas, and picks up their scattered clothes and throws them into the hamper. He blows out the candles and flips off the lamp before he lays down again, and waits for Cas to curl on to his shoulder, which is the only way he can fall asleep now.  

 

* * *

 

It's eight months later when Dean stands in the middle of a jewelry store with Sam, sweating and feeling like he's going to throw up. Sam tries to hide his smile but Dean can see it and all he wants to do is punch him right in his stupid face.  

"You're such a bag of dicks," Dean says under his breath.  

Sam laughs. "Stop being such a spazz. Look at the rings and when you see the right one, you'll know." 

"We can't afford anything in here," Dean hisses quietly. "We don't even belong in here."  

"We have a brand new credit card with somebody else's name on it," Sam tells him with a smile. "We can afford whatever you want. Now stop being a pussy and go look at the rings," Sam says, hoping the taunt and dig at his masculinity will push Dean into action.  

It does.  

A saleswoman approaches them, and asks them what they're looking for. "A wedding band," Sam tells her. "For his boyfriend. Who is not me, by the way. I'm his brother," Sam offers. Might as well get the awkward part out of the way.  

"Oh, congratulations! My uncles just got married a few months ago. Let me show you the his and his bands we have," she says, leading Dean across the store to a small case. "I'll pull them out so you can get a better look," she offers.  

Dean's eyes float over them, thinking how they all look the same and how the ever loving fuck is he supposed to pick one when he sees them.  

They're obviously a pair. There's a dull, thick, silver band with a black stripe through the centre, and beside it, a replica of the same design, with a black band and a silver stripe through it.  

The silver is obviously for Cas, so he picks up the black one turns it over. He looks back at Sam nervously and Sam says, "Try it on." So he does. He slips it on his finger and thinks about the look he'll get from Cas when he sees it, and looks up to meet Sam's eye. Some of what he's feeling must show, because to Dean's absolute horror Sam's eyes fill, and a tear rolls down his face.  

"Really?" Dean asks him.  

"That's the one," Sam says. "It's perfect. And Cas will love the silver." He swipes at his eyes. "God, Dean. I'm just so unbelievably happy for you. I never thought you’d let yourself have this."  

"Not like Cas gave me much of a choice,” he answers. Then, to break the tense moment he jokes, “And I knew I shoulda brought mom.” He turns back to the saleslady and says, "Wrap 'em up." 

Sam somehow knows Cas's ring size, and the lady fits Dean, and then he's walking out of the store with a small box with both of the rings tucked inside.  

"When're you gonna ask him?" Sam asks.  

"Probly tonight," Dean says. "'fraid I'll lose my nerve if I don't." 

"How are you gonna do it?" Sam wants to know. 

"I'm just gonna ask him. Nothing fancy. He knows I'm not like that," Dean says, hoping that it's true.  

"That's more you, anyway. And it's the gesture that counts. He has no idea this is coming," Sam smiles.  

"Probably has something to do with the way I freaked out about it before," Dean laughs.  

"You think?"  

 

* * *

 

It's later that night when Dean, Cas, Sam and Mary are all watching a movie - Dean carefully hiding the shape of the ring box in his pants pocket - when he thinks as embarrassing as it might be, that it might also be nice to share this moment with the two people closest to them. So he waits for the movie to end, and when he would usually say it's time for bed and pull Cas away to their room, he slides down to one knee in front of him instead.  

He hears more than sees Mary and Sam exchange a glance and whispered excitement. Cas's eyebrows draw together because he doesn't get it yet.  

Dean takes a deep breath. "I'm not so good with big moments," he begins. "Well, most of my life I felt like I wasn't really good at anything. For a long time, I felt like I wasn't even good at this, at me and you. But you make it really easy, Cas, and you're worth working at it for even when it's not easy." He takes another deep breath and says, "I know I don't say it enough, and I probably never will, but I really love you a lot. And I know we can't ever really get married, but I hope you know that if we could, I'd marry the shit outta you." He smiles easily for the first time, and continues, "I know you could probably do a hell of a lot better than hunting with me and living in a bunker, but I'm selfish enough to want to keep you anyway. Forever. So, uh," he pauses to pull the ring box out of his pants, fumbling with it a bit because of his nerves. When he looks back up at Cas his jaw is hanging open comically and Dean knows he gets it now. He smiles at him, nervously now, and says, "If you'll have me, I want to wear these rings as a symbol of our forever. Of me promising to love you forever, to be with you forever, to choose you and only you, every day forever. Will you wear my ring, Cas?" 

Cas reaches out to cup his face in his hand, and he strokes his thumb across Dean's cheek. Dean wonders if Cas is remembering the first time he did this the way Dean is, and finally Cas responds, "There is nobody in Heaven or on Earth better than you, Dean Winchester. And I know, because I looked for thousands of years before I found you. I decided years ago that I was never going to let you go, so nothing would make me happier than to wear your ring as a symbol of the never ending love I have for you." He stops to give Dean one of his rarest smiles, with love all over his face and happiness shining in his eyes. "Yes. Yes, I would be honored, Dean."  

"Thank god," Dean breathes and they all laugh. Dean plucks Cas's band out of the box and holds eye contact as he slips it on to his finger. He's blinking away tears, and for the first time in his life, he doesn't care. If he can't cry without embarrassment on what, for all intents and purposes is his wedding day, then when can he? 

Cas takes the matching band from the box and gets on his knees beside Dean. He takes his hand, and slides Dean's ring on to his finger. Dean takes one look at his hand, and pulls Cas towards him to seal his lips over Cas's. He kisses him like he'll never kiss him again, and they both wrap their arms around each other tightly. They finally pull apart, and Cas reaches up to wipe the tears from Dean's face.  

That's when Dean hears Sam and his mom clapping their hands enthusiastically, both of them with tears streaming down their faces, and damn if that doesn't make a few more tears escape. Cas pulls him up to his feet, and Sam and his mom run over to them, and suddenly they're all squeezed together in what should be the most awkward four-way hug of his life, but instead is actually the best hug he's ever had.  

Sam and Mary talk over each other, congratulating them and telling them how happy they are, and they thank him for sharing this moment with him, and Dean hears Sam clap Cas on the back and welcome him to the family. Dean has to look away when he sees his mom place both of her hands on Cas's face and says, "If I had to pick anybody for him, it would have been you. Thank you for loving my baby." 

Sam leaves and comes back with champagne, and they all drink and smile and laugh way more than they ever have before.  

Much, much later, Dean and Cas are tangled together, sweaty and spent after the kind of sex most people only ever dream about, with their hands linked on Cas's chest, both looking down at the rings on their fingers.  

"Dean?" Cas asks.  

"Yeah, Cas?" 

Cas asks the question he hasn't had to ask in almost half a year. "Do I still make you feel like you're going to throw up?" 

Dean laughs and shakes his head. "No, Cas. I don't think I'm gonna feel like that ever again." If it isn't easy now, Dean doesn't think it ever will be, but he still forces himself to say it one more time. "I love you." 

"I love you, too, Dean." 

Dean stokes Cas's back as usual, they exchange their goodnights, and Dean falls asleep with a smile on his face and his heart fuller than he ever could have imagined. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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